Sexy Bitch

Sad.

2009-08-26T15:23:00.001-04:00

My family-cat, Socks, died today. He was 13 years old. He pretty much always looked like this.

No Makeup Self Portrait, 2009

2009-08-15T00:39:00.001-04:00

Fat Bridesmaid challenged her readers to post a no makeup self portrait, in the spirit of honesty and true selves and all that.

I think that's a great idea. This blog naturally lends itself to focus what I put on my body, and less on who I am--regardless of what I wear (though I think clothing and makeup can be a great method of self-expression, and sometimes I feel more "me" dressed to the nines with a full face of glamour).

But here I am, sans makeup, in a picture I took for my fiance:

Know what else? I LOVE that at 24, I already have laugh lines around my eyes.

Fashionable-ish

2009-08-13T16:43:00.002-04:00

For anyone that's interested in fashion, especially what clothes look like on a real body, I'm blogging my daily threads over at Teacher Clothes.

It's kind of sparse right now (still getting things set up as I figure out WordPress), but more is definitely to come.

Good Times!

2009-08-07T22:01:00.005-04:00

So no news is good news over here. I haven't been focusing too much on trying to lose weight but right now, almost everything in my kitchen is organic, locally grown, and healthy. I'm not trying to force myself into my old healthy regimen too quickly--I'm taking it slowly, making gradual changes, with the goal of adopting them into a lifetime of healthiness.

But here's what I have been doing lately:

Dancing ON A BAR with friends. Yes. On a bar. I don't even dance on the floor, usually, so on top of a bar was a big event.
Teaching my first *solo* comp class:

Hanging out with the best fiance in the universe (at the Memphis, TN zoo in this one):
Buying this red couch without using my credit card:

Getting ready for my parents' visit this weekend (mostly cleaning and pretending I do laundry on a regular basis):

I have blessed life.

Big Girls Don't Cry...Usually

2009-07-11T23:35:00.002-04:00

Let's face it: I'm a slacker. I've lost my mojo. Sometimes, I honestly don't care anymore.

In the past three weeks, I've only cooked about 3 meals at home. I can't tell you the last time I exercised. I don't even want to look at my scale. I don't have to. I can feel my body creeping back to what it was last January. Heavy, inflexible, unhealthy.

I know that's not what I want to be, but I cant seem to buckle down and do what needs to be done. I'm not sure what it's going to take. Whenever I try to get back on track, I last for about a week, and then something will come up and I'll be right back into my old habits again. It's like I can't even convince myself anymore that I want to be healthy. It's not even a matter anymore of wanting to be fit and healthy and struggling to find energy to do that; it's a matter of me not even caring that I'm fat and out of shape. How do you get over that?

I realize that I'm fully responsible for what goes into my mouth, and what I choose to do with my body, and I recognize that I can't blame my repeated backsliding on anything but my choices, but let's face it. This is hard to do alone. I don't have the person that helped me lose so much weight last year. And I need to find a way to do this without Dustin dragging my ass to the gym every other day.

The way I see it, I've got a few options. I can force myself to do this on my own--through SparkPeople/Daily Plate/Lose It!/Wii/Park/DVDs/blogging. I can join Weight Watchers and try that again (it's been three years since I joined, and I'm willing to try again). I can join a gym and hope the cost in fees will keep me going.

I'm not trying to be whiny and annoying, but none of those options sound appealing to me. I need to care again, and I'm not sure why I don't.

Teacher Clothes

2009-06-26T08:18:00.007-04:00

I'm so glad I don't look like any of the professors I've had. I'm probably too young to know any better, though.
>

Top and Skirt: New York and Co.

Shoes, Bracelet, and Necklace: Vintage, thrifted

B&Lu, I love you.

2009-06-24T15:27:00.006-04:00

Remember when I drooled over some pretty clothes? Well, I ordered some pretty clothes. And guess what? B&Lu lived up to my every expectation.

I got these things:Layla Dress, $58

Raquel Dress, $59
(I thought about returning this dress, as it's too sexy to teach in, and I don't ever go anywhere worthy of such a nice dress. But I think I'll keep it. I feel sexy in it, so someone needs to invite me to a wedding or something, pronto.)

Juliet Top, $21

(See? Told you I have a nice butt.)

Motivation #2: That Damn White Dress

2009-06-21T01:45:00.001-04:00

You knew it'd come back to this, right? I'm getting married, and I want to wear a wedding dress. But finding a wedding dress isn't like finding any other dress (and even finding any other dress isn't exactly a fun process).

I tried on wedding dresses for the first time a few days ago. I can't post all the pictures, because Dustin reads this blog, and has asked not to see any dress I might wear, but here is how most of the dresses were attached to my body as I was trying them on:

Hello, back fat! I'd forgotten you were there.

That's not even a size 6 sample dress. I went to David's Bridal, where they try to carry a range of sizes for their sample gowns. That dress is a European size 14 (which really, is more like a 12 US, but still). That dress zipped up about 2 inches before it had to be held up with clothespins. Beneath the clothespins is a boned long-line bra, and beneath that was a control slip. You'd think with all that extra control, a size 14 dress wouldn't have needed all the extra clothespins.

Now listen, I recognize the pitfalls in making one of my motivations an article of clothing. Even if that article of clothing is my wedding dress. (Or perhaps *especially* if that article of clothing is my wedding gowns. I'm conflicted when it comes to the supposed importance of the dress...)

But still, I would *really* like to be able to try on wedding gowns that aren't held together in a way MacGyver would respect. And when I look at my wedding pictures, I don't want to be thinking "Man, I really should have done more dumbbell rows," or "Wow, I guess those weekly fast food runs really do show up." I want to be thinking about how beautiful I feel, and how much I love Dustin.

After this day of dress shopping, I didn't feel excited. I felt depressed and upset with myself because I'd let myself forget what's important to me: not so much a dress, as starting my marriage off as a healthy and thriving woman. When I go back for another dress search, sure, there may be clothespins holding the dress in place (I'm not expecting miracles here), but I want to feel as if I've done everything in my power to be that healthy and thriving woman I want and need to be.

Recipe--Tomato Spinach Feta Pasta

2009-06-19T17:57:00.004-04:00

I have a friend named Suzanne. Suzanne is my friend for many reasons: she's smart as a whip, we have the same tastes in clothes and music, and she utters phrases like "I'll cut a bitch," and "Bitch, be for real" with great frequency. But most of all, she's a great cook.

When she gave me this recipe, it cemented our friendship, and I vowed to never let her go. There's no good name for this, but it takes about 15 minutes to make, refrigerates well, is super healthy as long as you don't overdo it with the pasta (use whole grain, or at least whole wheat), and cleanup's a snap (only 2 pans, nothing sticky or burned).

You'll need (for 1 lunch or 2 sides):

Olive Oil (enough to saute garlic)
1/2-1 tsp minced garlic (if you're too cool for the stuff in the jar, 1-2 cloves, minced)
1/2 cup chicken broth
1 Roma tomato, chopped OR a handful of cherry tomatoes, halved
~1 cup baby spinach (more if you really, really like spinach)
4 oz. whole grain pasta
a couple of ounces of feta cheese, crumbled (I use approx. 2 oz because I love the feta)
Some upbeat jazz music; flamenco will work nicely, too.

Put your water on to boil. Don't wait to do this or the timing won't come out magically.
In olive oil, saute your garlic.
When garlic is golden brown, throw in tomatoes. Let sit just a minute or so.
Add in chicken broth. Let it cook down for a few minutes. Your water should be boiling now, so go ahead and throw in your pasta.
When the pasta is almost ready (your tomatoes should be soft, but not mushy); add in spinach, small handfuls at a time.
Stir constantly. The aim here is to let the spinach wilt, but just a little.
Drain pasta; toss with spinach/tomato mixture (you may also want to drain the broth).
Sprinkle with feta; serve. This is great both hot and cold, and it's totally good the next day (but not the third...not that it will make it to the third day).

See? Delicious.

Fat Fashion

2009-06-18T13:40:00.002-04:00

This is a great article. If you're at all interested in fashion, and the problems that women face if they're not a size 6, it's an interesting piece. Shame on you, NYT, for being so patently out of it.

From Feministing.com, original blog found here.

New York Times' Flubs "Plus Size" Fashion Story

I knew not to be too excited about this article about plus size fashion when the accompanying picture was a young woman in a frozen food aisle. In the words of Seth Meyer and Amy Poehler, REALLY, NEW YORK TIMES?! You publish a story on "big girls" who--what a shock!--are interested in looking cute, and then promptly choose to lead the whole thing off with an image that insinuates that they're favorite hang spot is the supermarket. Really?!

The piece details all the different clothing stores that have recently started plus size fashion lines, including Top Shop, Forever 21, and H&M (subsequently dropped for reasons unknown). There's a market, it turns out, for women above a size 10 to buy clothing. Who would have thunk it?

A few really annoying things...most of these lines are still only available online, which suggests that a) the stores don't want "big girls" shopping it up in store or b) the stores assume that "big girls" don't want to have a shopping experience like everyone else, that they're oh-so-ashamed. Either way, it's insulting. (I know the stores claim they just don't have room for all their merchandise, but I call bullshit on that).

Annie Maribona, the founder and part owner of Fat Fancy, a new boutique in Portland, Oregon, told the Times: "When you're fat you stand out anyway. It's really important to go all the way and do something fun or even outrageous with your clothes."

Um, I'm all for anyone of any size doing something fun or even outrageous with their style, but this sort of makes it sound like bigger girls have to present as freak shows in order to adhere to the public's expectation. It's fine if a larger woman likes to dress in "outrageous" colors or styles--more power to her--but she shouldn't feel like she has to "go all the way" unless it's authentic to her tastes and personality.

Thank goodness Maribona redeems herself in the short snippet on fat acceptance:

More than tokenism, such fashion and media tactics seem born of a conviction that larger young women have become more self-accepting. "They are inclined to show off the parts of their bodies they love," said Ms. Sack, the Chicago retailer. Pushing the trend is a broad movement of fat acceptance among academics, anti-bias activists and some psychologists. "It's important to reclaim 'fat' as a descriptive, as even something positive," argued Ms. Maribona of Fat Fancy.

But of course they follow that right up with the requisite fat shaming expert:

But others point to serious health consequences of being overweight. Andrea Marks, a specialist in adolescent medicine in Manhattan, suspects that "the vast majority of overweight girls are not so happy."

Sigh. Why is an article about the clothing industry finally recognizing that larger women can be fashion-forward including a doctor dooming them to unhappiness? Would an article about a new kind of bar that men love to go to also include an expert reminding them that alcohol consumption leads to health consequences and increased risk of depression? No.

Why can't we live in a world where there is no need to segregate larger sizes of clothing as if they were specialized when really they are average or not far from it? Why are larger women talked about as if they are a different species of human being, as if it is surprising that they'd like to look good or find clothing that fits them in the stores near their homes?

For real information about fashion-forward styles for larger women, check out:
Young, Fat, and Fabulous
Manolo for the Big Girl
Frocks and Frou Frou
The Rotund
Joy Nash

Weekly Meal Plan

2009-06-16T12:28:00.002-04:00

I'm slowly getting back on top of my diet again. And by diet, I mean what I'm eating, not a "diet." I hate "diets," but love a healthy diet.

I read Jillian Michael's "Master Your Metabolism" when I was at my parent's house for summer break, and while it didn't open my eyes to a new way of living, it was a good refresher, and a great inspiration for me to stop poisoning my body with junk.

So this week, my goals are to eat whole foods, organic whenever possible, and drink lots of water. I'll also try to stick to Jillian's "schedule" as closely as possible--basically, eat breakfast, lunch, an afternoon snack, and dinner spaced 4 hours apart. Jillian also recommended not eating carbs after your afternoon snack, so I'll try that, too (but i LOVE my carbs, so we'll see if I feel like I'm starving myself...).

My breakfasts will look like this:

2 eggs and 1 cup oatmeal (both organic, eggs free range)
6 oz Fage greek strained yogurt + 2 oz Laughing Cow cheese and 1 cup berries (berries probably not organic, but locally grown and purchased at the farmer's market)

My lunches look like this:

Leftovers from dinner. Hey, I'm cooking for 1 over here.

My afternoon snack will look like this:

1/2 cup hummus and unlimited carrot sticks (both organic)
1 oz cheese (I have Laughing Cow Swiss and LC Babybel) and unlimited blueberries or one apple (fruit purchased at the farmer's market, but probably not organic)
1 cup yogurt + fruit combo above

And my dinners, oh my dinners:

Fat Bridesmaid's Fajitas and Salad (Organic Baby Spinach)
Oven BBQ'd Chicken and Stir Fried Veggies (not organic, but bought at the farmer's market)
Zesty Herb Chicken and Suzanne's Spinach/Tomato/Feta Pasta (yeah, I know it's carbs. I said I'd try)
Roasted Garlic Chicken and Green Bean Amande
Pasta Primavera with Shrimp (carbs here again, but 2 dinners a week with carbs is SUCH an improvement for me)

I only wish my bad things would come in threes...

2009-06-14T20:26:00.002-04:00

Today has be an Alexandrian Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Allow me to explain:

As all bad days start, Aunt Flo came to visit today. At least she didn't ruin my entire vacation.

I woke up early to load up the rest of my bags before I got on the road for Oxford (after visiting my family and fiance in Augusta for two weeks). The 'rest of my bags' includes two 1-year old tabbies, Blondie and Brownie. Now, I've travelled with B&B several times, and have never had a problem with them. But today, they decided to be finicky. On the way to Dustin's job to say goodbye one last time, Blondie barfs. Twice. Apparently, cats have gallon sized stomachs. Dustin cleaned out their kennel for me (bless his saintly heart), and I tearfully said goodbye.

This is bad thing #3. It might be December before I get to see Dustin again, and after some bad news from his professor (they changed the time for the last class he needs), we may have to wait until May (instead of December) for him to graduate. And even if all this hadn't been running through my mind, saying goodbye sucks on its own merit.

Bad Thing #4: I'm crying, on the way to meet my mom at our exit (we caravanned today) when, lo and behold, Blondie exhibits another gastrointestinal display and poops in his kennel. (Seriously, how in the world could he have anything left in his system?) This damn cat interrupted my few cathartic minutes of crying with the stink of cat poo.

Going through Alabama, Mom and I stop for lunch at a Wendy's. After our meal, I decide take care of Aunt Flo before getting on the road again. There was no toilet paper in the restroom. Normally, in a case like this, I'd be uncouth and just dash into the men's restroom (I can't tell you how many men I've surprised exiting their restrooms--can I get arrested for this?), but a Wendy's employee caught me exiting the women's room, and asked if it was out of tissue. He said he was going to go get some, and would be back soon. So I wait. And wait. I would've just grabbed a handful of napkins, but 1) that might have clogged their toilet, and 2) there's no way in hell I'm letting this Wendy's employee think I went to the restroom with no toilet paper. Ah, vanity. 10 minutes later, the Wendy's bringer of toilet paper still hasn't shown, so I decide to walk over to the Captain D's and pee there.

I HATE Captain D's. I've never seen a particularly clean one, and they (of course) ALWAYS smell of old fish. But Captain D's is the closest thing to a toilet I see, so I go. And wouldn't you know it? Their restroom is actually pretty clean. Except. Except someone was apparently out of toilet paper, and used napkins to wipe. Which of course clogged the toilet. (Wasn't this the very situation I was trying to avoid back at Wendy's??) At this point, Aunt Flo is getting ready to bust the dams, as it were, and I'm desperate. So I do the only thing I can do. I grab the closest thing to a plunger I see (a scary looking toilet brush), and plunge away. Mission accomplished (and one of the few occasions in which I wash my hand before AND after I pee).

The rest of the drive home went well, unless you count it being a 9 hour drive. Across Alabama and Mississippi. Yeah. Not even the cows are interested in their surroundings. I make it to Oxford, and with a huge sigh of relief, pull into my complex. The SECOND I pull in, my other cat, Brownie, starts the tell-tale heaving. Sure enough, she barfs. After being fine ALL DAY LONG. And so as not to be shown up, Blondie barfs, too, just for good measure. But of course it was just bile this time, as there's no way he could have had ANYTHING in his stomach after the morning's pyrotechnics....

I unload everything, and run to the restroom for myself, where I discover that, guess what? I'm completely out of toilet paper. My plant-sitters have been wiping their asses with Kleenex.

Sizes Don't Matter

2009-06-13T18:57:00.003-04:00

I'm not gonna lie, the number on the tag can get to me. Not as much as it used to, but I still cringe when I have to put on a pair of 16s when I thought I was a 14. I vowed to never by an XXL at Target ever again.

But it's when I walk out of a store with tags as varied as these that I'm reminded the number on the tag isn't nearly as important as how my body moves (or can't move).

(Hells yes, I shop at K-Mart. Suck it.)

The thing is, I don't wear ANY of those sizes. Not an 18, not a large, and CERTAINLY not a medium. I typically wear a 14 pant, and XL shirt. I mean, my top is larger than my bottom, which makes the Medium shirt and 18 skirt even more weird.

I almost got a little mad at myself when I couldn't slip the size 14 skirt above my thighs. I was so happy to have to go down two sizes to the medium top. But no matter what emotions are connected with the number on the tag, I have to realize that in reality, my body hasn't magically changed based on whatever size I'm wearing. The size 18 skirt doesn't make me any fatter than I am, and the Medium shirt really doesn't make me smaller. (How even more serendipitous that I bought the shirt and skirt to match.) I'm taking this as my reminder to listen to my body rather than my clothes.

Pardon This Interruption for the Prettiest Clothes EVER!

2009-06-12T22:59:00.003-04:00

Growing up, my mom complained constantly about the lack of cute clothes available for plus sized women. She'd dig through racks filled with things like this:

(Sorry if you have this top.)

Admittedly, the range of clothing for plus sized people has gotten a WHOLE lot better, but I still have a lot of complaints for stores that refuse to make clothing above a size XL (or in some cases, a large, or 12). And often, when companies design for sizes larger than XL/16s, they often don't do it very well. (Old Navy? If you're going to expand the width of the bust for sizes above a Medium, be sure to adjust the height, too.)

But complaints aside, I just found an AMAZING website. Now, I haven't actually ordered anything from this website yet, but I have such hopes.

Meet b & lu. Their clothes remind me of the things I'd find at ModCloth or some other super cute online boutiques, but unlike these others, they only sell sizes 14 and above. I could easily spend too much money here, but that being said, they are fairly affordable (not Old Navy prices, but a great place for 'special' clothes).

I want these:

Can you imagine my ass in this? Okay, don't actually try to imagine my ass in this, but let me tell you, I have a GREAT butt. And it would look so good in this. Throw your hair in some victory rolls, some red, red lipstick, and some great high heels. Perfection.

Oh, and this top. I LOVE this top. How cute would this be with a pair of dark wash jeans or a pencil skirt? I'm convinced my 102 class would be so much more intelligent if I were wearing this top. (Maybe not, but I'd sure feel classy.)

And this dress! It's on sale for $24. I might have to order this dress. Bank of America, be here for me.

Motivation No. 1: My Husband (To-Be)

2009-06-11T01:22:00.007-04:00

(Missed my first post back? It's all about finding my motivation again. Read it here.)

Because saying it a thousand times already clearly isn't enough, I'm getting married next November. To this man:

Dustin is my motivation to be a healthy person. I don't want to put him through sleep apnea, hormonal conditions, breast cancer, diabetes, strokes, heart attacks, and all the other health risks that are associated with obesity. (And Dustin? I don't want you to put me through those, either.)

Dustin and I have a vision for our life together. We're both teachers (or will be; he graduates this December!), and we want to be good teachers, passionate teachers, teachers who have energy to give their students and still have some left over for each other at the end of the day. We want to travel, travel like crazy. It's heard to walk all over London and hike Machu Pichu even if we're just overweight and out of shape, but harder still if we have heart conditions or cancer or godknowswhatelse.

We want a big kitchen and a pool and a house with lots of windows. I guess we could have those things hooked up to oxygen machines and getting around with a hover-round, but why would we want to? We'd enjoy our home together much more if we have good whole foods to cook, the bodies to enjoy a summer (skinny) dip, and the peace of mind to still see hope beyond our windows.

We don't want to have children, but we want to be great aunts and uncles, who are able to spoil our brothers' kids and return them home dirty and with new toys. We want to be fit enough to take them to amusement parks and small enough to fit in the roller coaster seats.

Dustin and I want to live long enough to be perfectly senile together. We want to live long enough to drive each other absolutely crazy, but before we're able to do that, we've got to lose our weight, improve our eating and exercise habits, and combat our combined family histories of heart disease and diabetes.

When I'm making bad choices, Dustin is the person that's in my mind, shaking his finger and reminding me to do a little bit better. He's the person that makes 50 years from now a reality (in 50 years, I'll be 74, and if I don't have purple hair and a badass tattoo I'm going to be so pissed at myself). He's the reason I want to make changes now.

Finding the Source of Motivation

2009-06-11T00:57:00.004-04:00

Wow, I've been gone a long time. You forgive me, right?

Clearly, I've gotten off track. I've had (I'm having?) what you'd call motivational issues. It always amazes me how I can look at my body, feel my body, carry around my body and know I'm unhealthy, and yet have no desire to change anything.

Over the past few months, I've pretty much erased any progress I'd made. It disgusts me, but at the same time, I know it will do absolutely no good telling myself I've failed. I don't need to continue this self-destructive cycle.

I need to break it. Make improvements. Get right back on the ole' bandwagon and try again.

Here's the thing: I'm not sure how I want to approach this. I've thought about joining Weight Watchers. I've thought about following Jillian's "plan" she puts forth in "Master Your Metabolism." I've thought about counting calories and macronutrients on SparkPeople.com. I've thought about joining a gym. I've thought about doing workout DVDs and my WiiFit.

But I've tried all these things before, and always, I stop trying after a few months. I don't want to hit rock bottom before I finally make a permanent change, but I can't seem to muster up enough motivation to stick with a program, no matter what kind of program it is. I guess it doesn't make sense to think of "motivation" as a mystical gift I'll wake up with one day. In fact, I've got a sneaking suspicion my "motivation" is something I'll have to work for, scrounge for under the couch cushions of my mind and body.

Some people use their kids, their spouses, the threat of cancer or heart disease, or a big, amazing goal to reach as their motivation. What's yours? (Maybe it will help me find mine.)

This Recipe Will Change Your Life

2009-04-28T18:55:00.006-04:00

Because it is my birthday (told you I'm a ham) and I'm feeling generous, I am going to share the world's greatest recipe with you. I'm not kidding. This is the best meal ever. In the history of the universe. When I eat this meal, I sigh and smile and thankthelordalmighty for every bite I'm taking as I take it.

You know how on your birthday, your Mom cooks you dinner, and you get to pick the meal that your entire family will have to eat? This is the meal I always pick Well, almost always. Sometimes I'm just in the mood for my Dad's homemade hamburgers and potato salad. But aside from the occasional hamburger, I've requested this meal for as long as I can remember. This is also the meal my Mom makes for me when I come home on school vacation, when I've had a crappy day, or when we're celebrating something. If for some reason, I go crazy and kill a bunch of people, this will be the meal I request as my last. If I find out that this meal will kill me, I'll write up my will today, and kiss my loved ones goodbye.

My mom got this recipe when she was in college in the late 70s, from her Persian friends (is it not politically correct to say "Persian" anymore? They were from Iran). She's been making this meal since then, and if you look for it, you'll see a variation of it in almost every Persian cookbook you look through.

We call it Persian Chicken and Rice. And it's the most wonderful thing in the world.

You'll need (for 6-8 people):

1 whole chicken, or 1 lb boned and skinned chicken pieces (this is good with a mix of light and dark meat)
3 cups uncooked long grain rice
1 pt. frozen butter beans (if you're not from around here, you might call them lima beans)
Dill Weed (fresh or dried)
salt to taste
2 tbs butter

This is what you'll do:

Put your butter beans on to boil. They'll take about 35-45 minutes to cook all the way through, so I usually start the beans and the chicken to boil at the same time (but in separate pots, of course).
Boil the chicken in water (what else would you boil it in?). Salt to taste. Bone and skin chicken. Shred into small bites. Set aside.
Cook rice in water (not broth) according to package directions. Salt to taste until done. Rinse with cool water and drain. Set aside.
In a dutch oven, layer several times the rice, chicken, butter beans, and a generous sprinkling of dill weed. You almost can't have too much dill weed. Dill weed will save your life. (I made that last one up.)
Dot the top of the rice with butter. Cover and steam on low heat until flavors blend, about 30 minutes. (My mom places a clean dish towel between the pot and the lid on this last step. I'm not sure how this works, but it does).
OPTIONAL: For a delicious, cool treat, shred a fresh cucumber into plain yogurt, and sprinkle generously with dill. This makes a great dip or salad dressing, and it's super delicious when you dip a forkful of Persian Chicken and Rice into the Cuke+Yogurt mixture.
Eat, enjoy, and be happy. The leftovers will keep for a few days, but they won't last that long.

*Substitutions: If you'd like to make this dish healthier (it's pretty healthy on its own already), you can substitute brown rice for white and string beans for the butter beans. If you're short on groceries and don't want to go to the store, you can substitute the chicken with ground beef or turkey (by the way, this is a GREAT way to use up Thanksgiving leftovers). I will warn you, though, any of these substituted versions will not be as good as the original. Just sayin'.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-04-28T00:01:00.004-04:00

Today, I'm celebrating my 24th birthday. Not a particularly exciting birthday, but I'm the kind of person who will ALWAYS be excited about birthdays, no matter how old I get. I'll be in my 60s, still ~~demanding~~ asking politely for cake and a cute present from my immediate family.

But on this birthday, I have to ask? Who the heck am I? For me, this is a good question. Me a year ago, me two years ago--that "me" needed a change. And I'm proud to be making those changes.

When I first got an apartment 3 years ago, my fridge was often empty save condiments and takeout leftovers. Now, it's like this:Full of fresh foods, tons of veggies, and more and more organic foods. In the grocery bag? Rainbow chard and collards picked right out of a friend's garden--those veggies aren't even a week old!!!! Behind the grocery bag is even more veggies.

3 years ago, I had no beauty routine. I never took off my makeup before bed, and to be perfectly honest, I only sporadically brushed my teeth more than once a day (I KNOW! What was I THINKING???). Now? I have a corner of my counter reserved for my beauty routine:
In case you're wondering, I take off my makeup with Pond's cold cream, wash with Cetaphil at night, and Aveeno in the morning (I like the scrub factor in the morning to wake me up), Clinique eye treatment, moisturize with SPF 15, then brush, whiten, and floss, and use Burt's Bees Beeswax lip balm. Not very complicated or time intensive, but it's seriously working wonders on my face. And I'm open to admitting that I really really like feeling pampered.

And a few years ago, I wouldn't have even thought of working out. And while I still have lots of work to do, I consider myself much more of an active person than I was. I'm at the place now where I'm not afraid to try new things. The old me wouldn't have ventured more than walking around her neighboorhood. Since then I've tried yoga, weight training, C25K, ellipticals and classes at the gym, strength training, and good old DVDs. And there's so much more I want to try.

And what's more? The person I am today recognizes that I don't have to view my life in terms of failures or sucessesses. I'm allowed to let things slide. So what if I'm not at my goal weight yet? So what if I never finished C25K? Those things don't mean I failed. I recognize that my ultimate goal is health, not beauty (despite what my counter FULL of products says), and happiness, not size 6 jeans.

So yes, I'm celebrating my birthday today. For me, it marks so much more than just another reason to eat cake.

I'm Still Alive

2009-04-26T00:49:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone,
Just letting you guys know that I am still alive. Blogging will probably be sparse over the next few weeks--it's the end of term, and you know what that means: writing papers, grading papers, grading tests, writing more papers, putting together a syllabus.

I'd much rather be here with you.

Thanks for all your helpful advice and encouragement on my last few posts--I need it more than ever when I'm stressed like this. But take heart! I am beginning to restore balance in my life--I'm not letting myself eat out, I'm making lists and taking things one step at a time, and trying to follow all of your wise words!

I'll be back soon; stick around!

-Ashley

One Step at a Time

2009-04-20T04:39:00.002-04:00

Things I'm Doing Well:

Avoiding eating out and cooking almost all of my meals
Skincare. Taking off makeup and moisturizing is a good thing, yo.
I'm about halfway done with my syllabus for the summer. My kids are going to have a kickass time reading war literature and writing their little fannies off.
Keeping expectations high about my summer class.
Being sociable more--made a few new friends and am actually gonna be brave and go to the beach with them this summer.
Packing lunches for long days at school. My Bento is awesome.
Listening to happy music.
Keeping up with most of my homework.
Putting off those bigger projects that can really wait until I have more time.
Growing my own vegetables and herbs. My plants are getting huge. Post soon.
Looking at things that make me happy. Like these awesome pictures of Dustin and I.

Things to Do Better In:

Faulkner class.
Getting papers back to students.
Sleep schedule (please ignore the post time on this).
Playing with kittencats more. They've been bored since Dustin's visit ended.
Exercise. You miss it, you really do.

I like that my "I'm awesome" list is longer than my other list.

I Have a Problem.

2009-04-13T16:21:00.006-04:00

I started this blog last January. I weighed 214 pounds.

Today, 16 months later, I weigh 202 pounds.

If you were to graph my weight (how convenient!), it would look like this:

Obviously, I have some work to do. My trend seems to be that I a) lose about 10 pounds in a month or so, b) gain about 5 back in a week, c) maintain/gain really slowly for several weeks, then d) repeat step 'a.'

I would really like to stay with step A for longer than a month. Avoiding steps B and C would be nice too. Let's just jump from A to D.

Anyone have any helpful tips to make that happen for me? (HA!)

Upon Which I Am Offered Romantic Advice...by a Video Game

2009-04-07T23:36:00.005-04:00

Dustin and I will celebrate our 2 year anniversary on Thursday, and as a present to ourselves, we bought a Wii. I know, pretty sweet present. And even better, my birthday is 2 1/2 weeks later. Dustin got me a Wii Fit. And while that game is no substitute for an intensive workout (Jillian, I'm coming back to you, I swear), it's pretty damn good at getting me off my ass when I'd otherwise sit around and blog all day. It's fun, it's interactive, and it even offers insight to our relationship:Apparently, I don't care about Dustin's fitness very much. I'm sorry, Dubby, I really do love you. I'm just spending so much time playing with our Wii.

Bento!

2009-04-02T20:56:00.004-04:00

A few ays ago, I ordered myself a Laptop Lunchbox, or the American version of the Japanese Bento. Mine looks something like this:
I first heard about these things about a year ago, but never wanted to pony up the money to buy one (what's pictured above costs $23, but I had a 10% coupon code).

Mine came today, and I'm pretty sure I have the coolest lunchbox ever. I've been really bad about being too lazy to put together a lunch to carry to school with me, and I've gotten into the habit of skipping breakfasts again. Combine these things, and I'm starving by the time I get home, so I eat anything (and usually a lot of it).

I have to hike around campus a lot, so my big zippered lunch bag just wasn't cutting it (carrying a backpack, purse, and giant lunchbox is just so not chic). My bento can be thrown in my bag--all liquids are packed up tight in sealed containers--and not take up much space at all.

Meet my lunch for tomorrow:

Strawberries, Chocolate syrup, Quaker Oatmeal Squares Cereal, and leftover grilled chicken. I think I'm set on the delicious lunch front.

The Happiness Project

2009-03-26T01:37:00.003-04:00

I've always been a relatively happy person. And while I'm not known as the person who smiles all the time and is always in a good mood, generally, people that come in contact with me find me in good humor. In fact, there are only two times in my life that I can look back on and say that I've had significant moments on unhappiness--middle school, when I thought I was ugly, fat, and hated by everyone, and early college, when I was having similar thoughts.

This semester (and last semester, too) has been really rough. And while I wouldn't say that I've been unhappy, I've certainly had my moments. I'm homesick. I miss my fiance like crazy (I just realized today that we're now keeping up a long distance relationship--before, I just felt really lonely without him). The classes I'm taking now aren't thrilling me, and I'm wrestling with deciding if I want to jump into my PhD in the next few years, or if I want to wait, and where Dustin and I will live once I get my MA. I feel stupid in most of my classes, and I'm not exactly sure how to catch up. My cats are adorable, but they've chewed through a lot of money this semester (mostly in power adapters for my laptop). I don't know if Dustin will be able to find a job once he moves here, and I worry about our finances. And I can't seem to get below 180 lbs no matter what I do. Et cetera and so on.

I had a mild revelation a few days ago, sparked by this movie trailer. It was one of those revelations that shouldn't really be a revelation, but it was. If I dwell on these things that make me unhappy, I'm going to be an unhappy person. And I really don't want to be an unhappy person. There are far too many of them in the word already. I don't mean that I shouldn't think about my future--my education and Dustin's career and our joint bank account are all things that need to be thought about, but not with this overwhelming sense of desperation that tends to surrounds my thoughts on these subjects. I need to keep joy at my center, even when things feel unbalanced.

There are a few memorable people in my life, and I usually remember them because of how unstoppably joyful they are. I want to be one of those people, and so I'm going to try. I don't mean to be glib about life. I know there are a lot of people who struggle with being happy. It's not as easy as just deciding to be happy. I know this. But I must try. I know it won't be as simple as waking up and saying "I am going to be happy today," but can't that be a start? Otherwise, where would I even begin?

Here. Now. With The Happiness Project.

How would you start on your own Happiness Project?

Working Out Like a Girl

2009-03-24T21:02:00.004-04:00

I've been blogging for a year now, and there have always been way more women weight loss/health bloggers than men. And dieting has been a traditionally female thing to do. Not that I think it should be. In fact, I think dieting and exercise for the purposes of losing weight has been so cast as something only women do that men are hesitant to pursue weight loss, especially publicly. I can't think of many reasons why there were so few men at Weight Watchers meetings when I was a member a few years ago (women often came to the meetings with their daughters, sisters, and female friends, but almost never their husbands or brothers or sons). I can't think of many other reasons why there are only two weight loss blogs authored by men on my Blogger, and one of them (there are more, I'm sure, but I haven't stumbled across them yet). And this has to be the only reason that I'd have a conversation like this with my fiance (I'm in the green bubbles, he's in the grey ones):

Since he thinks Jillian is girly-girl dancing around, I can. not. WAIT. for him to try her workout. Dustin is going down.

What a Bitch

2009-03-23T12:54:00.002-04:00

I know I'm probably the last person in America to try Jillian's 30 Day Shred. It's as hard as everyone says. And it has to be, if she's going to slap a "Lose 20 pounds in 30 days!" message on the cover.

But wow, that was hard. I've always said that I wanted Jillian to come kick my ass during a workout. I lied. I don't want Jillian. She's mean, and she makes me hurt. She's kind of a bitch during this workout, shouting things like, "Don't you dare stop," "No cheating," "I've got 400 lb people that can do this; so can you," and "If you want results in a 20 minute workout, you've got to work for it." Thanks, Jillian. Of course I knew these things already, but it's not fun hearing that I have to work hard in a work out. I mean, sheesh, who is this woman?
Oh. Hi, Jillian. I don't have a picture of myself in a swimsuit, because it's scary. Um, thank you for being a bitch. I kind of need it.

Little Patch of Green, Day 1

2009-03-22T20:57:00.009-04:00

So today, I started a garden. But in planters, as I don't have a yard. Seems unfair that I have to buy my dirt, doesn't it?Growing some of my own veggies and herbs has been something I've wanted to do since I moved into my first apartment. Call it nesting. Call it healthy. Call it environmentally friendly. But unfortunately, my first apartment was on the top floor, surrounded on all sides by trees, and I had a 3x4 patio for a yard. In my new apartment, I still don't have a yard, but I have a much larger patio, that gets full sun.
So now that we're past the last frost (a phrase you hear a lot when you start thinking about gardening), I went to Home Depot and bought planters, potting soil, and 10 packets of seeds. I'm now growing zucchini, yellow summer squash, carnival bell peppers, cilantro, parsley, oregano, basil, rosemary, spearmint, and catnip on my 5x6 concrete patio. (The catnip's not for me. I hope that's obvious.)To be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. I waver between thinking I'm planting too early and much too late. I planted things too closely, too densely, and I probably covered some of my seed with too much of the wrong soil. I will inevitably forget to water and fertilize these plants. But I don't care. It's a good start, and I'm excited to watch stuff grow (or not, as the case may be). Plus, it was super fun getting my hands dirty.

Treats for People Like Me

2009-03-11T23:06:00.004-04:00

If you're like me, you don't last very long without a sugary, usually chocolately treat. If you're even more like me, you tend to take your treats too far, and turn them into binges. And if you're exactly like me, you allow your binges to completely throw you off your game, convince me you'll never succeed, so you gain 10 pounds (or more) until you decide to star over, this time swearing off treats all together until you (inevitably) binge again.

The solution. Treat yourself. But only make enough treats to last you a couple of servings. Yes, I said make. I find that if I buy treats (say a small bag of chocolates, or a trip through Sonic's drive through for some ice cream), I don't savor it, and it's only a few days before I feel like I need another "treat," (which of course leads me to said binge).

This is my current favorite treat:

These are double dipped strawberries. They're more expensive than a regular Reese's Sonic Blast, but they're healthier, and way tastier. Oh, and you have to make them. But they are super easy to make.

You need: strawberries, 1 1/2 squares of semi-sweet baking chocolate, and 1 1/2 white chocolate baking squares. You'll also need a cookie pan, wax paper, two bowls, and a microwave.

Obviously, you're going to melt the chocolates (~45 seconds in the microwave) and then dip the strawberries. (Though it's helpful to let the first layer harden before your dip the second). And the pretty swirls? That happens when the semi-sweet shell melts into the white chocolately goodness.

I've estimated each strawberry to have right around 37 calories (I use Baker's Brand chocolates), so 3 of these is your 100-calorie snack 0' the day (minus the excess packaging and ridiculous ingredients).

So go ahead, treat yourself.

2009-03-07T01:59:00.002-05:00

Can I just say that yoga ALWAYS makes me feel super sexy? I have no idea why I stopped doing it, because really, right now? I could conquer the world because I'm that super hot. (And WAY more flexible than I thought I'd be!)

And I am LOVING the fact that you can watch fitness videos instantly on Netflix. Today I did this one: Crunch Super Slim Down. It was harder than I thought it would be, but it moves really quickly through a full body workout, and gives you several rest points throughout the 35 minute workout.

And seriously, you will feel like a super flexible, sexy goddess in a worn out pair of Old Navy yoga pants.

(Oh, and by the way? This is Day 3 in a row of me working out!)

Step aside, Jillian...

2009-03-06T01:59:00.005-05:00

...because the people at Self may be just as cruel.

I just completed the Self Bikini Ready, Fast workout, and ohmygoodness. As Juno said in the delivery room, "Ow, Ow, Fuckkity OW!!!" Let the record show that it is after 1 AM, and I ~~was~~ am so committed to getting my workout done EACH and EVERY SINGLE DAY, that I started working out at 12:30. IN THE MORNING.

It hurt so bad. My legs, arms, and abs are shaking. The muscles in my back hurt. I wanted to quit, multiple times. But I couldn't. You see, the fitness leaders were working out in front the tide rolling in on a beach, and they were all tan and smiling, and they kept talking about looking graceful in a bikini, so it's not like I could stop. Not with that hanging over my head. I don't even look graceful fully clothed.

This workout targets your entire body, but the parts that are hurting me most are my quads (it's a good thing I've planned to wear flats tomorrow, because there's no way I could walk, much less teach in heels after this!). My arms and back muscles were already sore after Billy Blank's Tae Bo that I did yesterday, but I have a sneaking suspicion I won't be able to hoist my Early American Lit anthology tomorrow. I was doing curls and figure 8s and lifts and all kinds of crazy things with my arms and weights, and there were LOTS of squats involved. LOTS and LOTS of squats. And lunges, and plyo jumps. And balancing. But no smiles on my part, no way. That was totally the trainer's deal. (Maybe if I was working out on a completely tourist-free beach in Mexico, I could smile through a workout, too.)

The best part? It's on Netflix, available as a Watch Instantly selection. It's an exact half-hour workout, so it's perfect for us Lentils.

P.S. I just finished reading a few Amazon reviews, and people were calling this a good workout for your off days. I think that unless you identify more with the Roni's and Mizzes of the world would you call this an "off-day" workout. I can't wait until I'm there with you. But for now? I'm totally fine with a 30 minute workout that will make me unable to climb stairs or lift anthologies.

P.P.S. Lest people think I'm going nuts trying to look like a swimsuit model for some sports magazine, I am not. The swimsuit I'm actually trying to get into looks more like the one the girl second from the right is wearing. But in black. With cute little blue peek-a-boo flowers on the bust to emphasize my decolletage (like it needs emphasizing!) Only a few more inches!!!

Feeling Like a Failure

2009-03-04T14:08:00.005-05:00

Lately, I have been one grumpy lady. I haven't been sleeping, I miss Dustin and my family like crazy, and I can't seem to keep caught up with my schoolwork. So of course, my diet and exercise has suffered. It's not even on the back burner anymore; it's completely off the stove and stored in a Tupperware dish in the fridge behind the 24-can case of Diet Dr. Pepper. And my weight is back up to 198. Granted, that's still down from my original 214 start, but c'mon! I was at 185 before Thanksgiving, and I haven't been able to even get close to that since then!!! Needless to say, this is frustrating. I feel like even when I'm doing good work and tracking my food and exercise, I'm not losing any weight. So I go on a weekend binge, and any progress I was making went out the window. And I'm not motivated at all to work out--I've only done 3 days of 8 for my Laziness-for-Lent challenge!

I need to rearrange my mind, as I can't seem to get past seeing slow progress as a failure. How do you deal when your mind is the only obstacle? How do you convince yourself that slow progress is NOT failure?

Not Being Lazy Takes Effort

2009-03-01T14:40:00.005-05:00

Somehow, when I promised to give up laziness for Lent, I thought it would happen by itself. I didn't stop to consider that when I was giving up laziness, that meant I would have to, you know, work at it.

I did my bellydance on Wednesday, but didn't work out on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. This morning, Fat Bridesmaid lamented her funkedness on Twitter, and I was right there with her. I'd slept in until noon, and was planning on spending the entire day in my pajamas, eating whatever it was I have in my cabinet (which somehow inludes chocolate chips and white chocolate baking chunks I bought for dipping strawberries in, but so far, I've only eaten them sans fruit). We said a workout was in order, and instead of just agreeing with her and continuing to sit on my ass, I actually got up.

I just finished the "Foundations" workout for Billy Blank's Tae Bo. I took a self-defense class as an undergrad, and all the "moves" (punches and kicks) have stuck with me, amazingly, but wow, I worked up a sweat and I'm probably going to be sore tomorrow.

And you know what? I feel energized now. I'm gonna get my shower, eat a good ~~breakfast~~ lunch, and get on with my day. I'm ready for my day!

Day 1/40: Bellydance

2009-02-26T01:32:00.005-05:00

I promised Fat Bridesmaid (okay, and myself, too) that I'd give up laziness for Lent. I'm not really a practicing Christian (or Jew or Buddhist or Deist), but it seems as good as time as any to give up something I love: sitting on my ass.

Additional bonus? Dustin and I won some free photography from Ellie at Bird In Hand Photography, one of our favorite photographers we're considering for our wedding. (You can read our winning entry here, and for more of our wedding-y goodness, read our wedding blog!) We're shooting (ha!) to have our session while I'm home for Spring Break, so this gives me just about three weeks to really get my butt in gear and lose a few more pounds.

I dowloaded the Lose it! application for my phone, and I've started tracking my calorie intake again. I used to do this all the time on SparkPeople.com, and as much as I love their community, their mobile site just isn't as user-friendly as Lose It!

So today? 35 minutes of Bellydance for Wimps, and this is my daily summary:

Giving Up Laziness

2009-02-24T01:50:00.010-05:00

Dear Ashley,
It's your Smarter Self again, and I'd like to show you something.
This is not a breakfast. Or a lunch. Or a dinner.These are your cookbooks and fabulous copies of "Simple and Delicious." Why aren't you using them?These are your workout clothes! They're comfy and some have a neat pocket for a key. So far, you've only slept in them. See all those t-shirts? You never wear them. Look, sports bras! Including one you got for free! These are way comfier than those underwire things, but they make you look like you have a uni-boob. Good thing you only wear them when you work out.
And these sneakers? It's time for some new ones, but these have your medical information written inside the sole. How handy! Too bad you never wear them, so no one will know that your blood type is O+ unless you wear them (and subsequently take them off).
Look at this awesome water bottle. You paid for it, so you might as well use it.
And this yoga mat! It's purple, and has a strap! Ignore the fact that your cats almost chewed through it, and use it anyway. You even went all out and got the yoga strap and block! And a jump rope! You could do this for hours as a 5th grader, and then you got all doughy in middle school when it was no longer cool to jump rope. Time to take back old school recess games. You don't like any of the cool girls from middle school, anyway.And look at all these fabulous fitness DVDs! Tae Bo with a sexy sculpted man! Yoga! Bellydance!! And look, the Carmen Electra Striptease DVDs you've completely ignored because you feel silly. Guess what, hon? You're sexy, but you don't know how to striptease, so get on it.

Oh, one more thing, Ashley. You told Fat Bridesmaid you were gonna work out with her for 40 days straight. You can't let that woman down. She's one badass babe. Get off your ass and move, woman!

Note to Self

2009-02-20T22:20:00.004-05:00

Dear Ashley,
I know you love your new running capris, but guess what? There's a reason they're called running leggings. They're for running! Or at least jogging. Guess what they're no for? Sleeping. Lounging. Showing off how cute your ass is. When you put them on, you should be going to the park! Not sitting on your cat-fur covered chair eating Candy Hearts. Because guess what? After too many candy hearts and not enough running, your ass won't be that cute anymore.
Love always,
Your Smarter Self

C25Ow

2009-02-09T17:31:00.003-05:00

Before I start, you should know about Lynn. She's raising money for the Susan G. Komen Walk for the Cure, which she'll take part in. Go here before you read my self-interested rambles, mmmkay?

Okay, wow. Why is Week 2 so much harder than Week 1?

The minute I started running, my entire body felt like it was full of sand--heavy, capable of moving, but not of its own accord. I stopped running 10 or so seconds before the ending signal twice, and completely skipped the 5-minute cool down. Yeah, I know, but at least I stretched.

So obviously, I'll be redoing Week 2, Day 1 until I get it. There's no point in my moving on to Week 3 when I so obviously need the extra time on Week 2!

Also, all running pants should come with drawstrings so you don't show your underwear to old men. They should also come with pockets so you don't put your iPhone/Running Prompt podcast in between your boobs at an uncomfortable angle.

Chub Rub and Other Sensations

2009-02-06T17:58:00.004-05:00

Sensation #1: Shock!
Week 1, Day 3 DONE! I had to write that first, because I don't think I would've had the guts to say it later.

Sensation #2: Whupped.
I feel so completely whupped by today's run, it feels like I didn't do it. Ironic, because if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't feel this whupped. Today's run was the hardest (physically). I didn't experience nearly the self-defeating mindfucks I had on Wednesday, which helped me push it through today. I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. (Note to self: do not eat a baked potato before you run.)

Sensation #3: Brickiness.
My legs feel like bricks. It was seriously an effort to be able to break on the drive home. I'd be completely convinced my legs were bricks if it weren't for that unpleasant sensation on my thighs. Yes, I'm sure we know this feeling well, which brings us to

Sensation #4: chub rub!
I've been wearing pants to run because it's been freezing, but today, the temperature miraculously spiked to 68, so shorts it was! Never again. Well, at least not until my thighs don't rub together. Actually, I don't know of a time when my thighs didn't rub together. Is this even physically possible? Something to consider when I don't want to go on Sunday's run....

But seriously, is there a pair of running shorts that won't ride up to ridiculous extremes when a girl with rubbing together thighs runs? I would feel great happiness if there were.

Addendum:
SENSATION #5: GREAT PRIDE!!
I got this text from Dustin-fiance while writing this post: "441.7 calories, 33 minutes. Whew. I'm drenched." He'd been at the gym while I was at the park. I love that man.

Wow, I Smell Really Bad

2009-02-04T14:36:00.003-05:00

I just got back from Week 1, Day 2 of Couch to 5K. Yeah, I know, I completed Day 2 a full week after Day 1, but we're going to roll with it. I am tired. I'll be sore tomorrow. I'm sweaty and really, really smelly (like wow, I didn't think my body could smell that bad smelly). But I did it. And I didn't stop early, not even once (not even when I thought I was on the 5-minute walk-to-cool-down bit, and I was surprised with one more "Jog for 30 seconds!" bit)!

So while today was a physically easier, I'm pretty sure my mind wasn't in the right place. When I started running today, I felt like the fat kid at P.E. No matter how overweight I've been, and no matter how out of shape I am, I've never felt like the person that just couldn't do it. Today, I did, and I don't want to feel like that ever again. Last week (and maybe it's because it was still Day 1 and I was being naive), even though I felt like I just.couldn't.keep.running, I tried, and usually made it, and the next time the faster techno music signaled to run for 30 seconds, it didn't occur to me that I might not make it until I was just a few seconds shy from the 30 second mark. This week, I felt like that while I was still walking. So even though this week was actually easier physically than last week, it felt like such a mountainous challenge compared with last week's. And even more, nothing about the routine had changed.

It was all in my head, and I'm not sure why. Even at 214 pounds, with my doctor kindly telling me to get off my ass, I had pretty good self-esteem. I know I'm a gorgeous girl, I'm funny and smart, and even though my body overweight and out of shape, that's not who I am. I wouldn't be able to do this if I didn't love myself (which is why I ALWAYS harp on people who are beating themselves up). So it was just very strange to hear myself thinking "you can't do this; you're too fat; you're not gonna make it; you'll never be healthy or thin" today. It took all of my strength to stop thinking those self-abusive thoughts and search for the things that would encourage me. Today? It was noticing how good my shadow looked while running. At least it looked like it knew what it was doing.

So that's that, then. Week 1, Day 2 DONE. Here's to Friday finally wrapping up Week One of this thing (If I can make it to Friday, it will be the furthest I've ever gotten with C25K--I've started it twice before, and never made it past Day 2).

"In Defense of Food" Winner!

2009-02-02T00:31:00.003-05:00

Congrats to Alisha! She doesn't have a blog, but she's been a regular commenter around here for a while. Hope you enjoy! (E-mail me with your address, and I'll get the book to you in the mail this week!)

Everyone else, thanks for stopping by. I love your readership, and it warms my day when I see that you guys so regularly chip in.

No Surprise

2009-01-29T18:10:00.003-05:00

....that after two weeks of struggling to lose even a pound, one day of exercise did the trick. I'm at 194 (still working off that holiday weight!) I should be kicking myself for not getting out there sooner, but this is just encouraging me to get back out there again on Friday (C25K demands a rest day between each training session).

Also, don't hesitate to enter to win Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food! Just go here, and leave a comment!

2009-01-28T14:29:00.004-05:00

I ran today.

And while I don't actually look all that proud to have completed Week 1, Day 1 of Couch to 5K here, I actually am. Really proud.

I was watching episodes 2 and 3 of The Biggest Loser on Hulu last night, and I realized something: when it comes to working out, I am a Joelle. And if you've seen this season or even read the play-by-plays, you know this is not a good thing. I give any reason under the sun not to push myself. Now, I don't know how I'd be with a trainer, because I've never had one. I've relied on myself to push myself, and we know how troublesome that can be. "Myself" thinks it's okay to constantly take things slow, and while taking it slow when I'm just starting out is good, but there's a marked difference between "taking it slow" and "taking it nowhere." "Myself" is lazy, likes to be sitting down, and hates to be sweaty, out of breath, and in pain. Which is, of course, the state of things after today's interval training. Who knew that jogging for 30 seconds would be so ridiculously hard for me? But you know what? I did it. Only once did I stop jogging before the 30 seconds was up (I'm using the Podrunner: Intervals Podcast until I can find someting less techno-tastic) and I only stopped a few seconds too soon--maybe 3? Still, I have a feeling that if Bob or Jillian were training me, they'd tear me a new one for those few seconds. Not that I would mind either Bob or Jillian yelling at me. They are the hotness.

So here we go. Week 1, Day 1, done.

If I don't tell you guys on Friday how I did for Week 1, Day 2, I am begging you to kick my ass. I need this. Call yourself Jillian if you have to.

In Defense of Food: Review and Giveaway!

2009-01-27T17:01:00.005-05:00

A couple of posts ago, I gushed on this book:

Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food

It is one of the best books I’ve read in a while (and I’m an English major, but you don’t have to take my word for it!), and the best I’ve ever read about food. When I first saw this book in Borders, It was the tagline that caught my attention: Eat Food. Not Too Much. Mostly Plants.
Well, of course! Right? I mean, I eat food, don’t I? Unfortunately, I don’t eat food as much as I thought I did. Pollan’s book is common-sensical, straightforward, and practical. He doesn’t waste your time explaining the science behind nutrition, and he would argue, I think, that too much science is what’s gotten us (by “us” I mean global Westerners eating “Westernized” food) in trouble in the first place.

In Defense of Food is organized into three main sections. The first, “The Age of Nutritionism” is a little part history, a little part science, and a lot of eye opening. He explains (in smaller chapters) how we’ve turned harvesting food into engineering nutrition, a nuance I didn’t think mattered all that much. Nutrients are nutrients, right? Get enough of some, not too much of others, and I should be fine, or so I thought. As it turns out, those diet cereals and breakfast bars and snack cakes haven’t been doing us much good. What they lack in calories and fats and sugar, they also lack in real ingredients. As it also turns out, the banana I put on my cereal isn’t even half as nutritious as a banana I would’ve eaten in 1940. The food we’re eating today are chemical concoctions with artificial flavorings that confuse us and leave us as unhealthy as ever.

In Part 2, “The Western Diet and the Diseases of Civilizations,” Pollan again takes us through a kind of history of eating, but this time on a global scale, and proves, quite effectively, that it’s not what we’re eating, but what we’re eating. (Yes, I just wrote that). Rephrased: there are low carb, high carb, high fat, vegetarian, and carnivorous diets found all over the world in all kinds of indigenous culture groups, and NONE of them exhibit the typical western health problems so many of us are afflicted with (obesity, diabetes, heart disease, stroke). Our problem is not our knowing how to diet (we do that well), it’s in our eating of non-foods—overly processed, engineered, substitute food we’ve accepted in our pantry as nutritious.

Part 3, “Getting Over Nutritionism,” is perhaps the most helpful in a practical sense. This part of the book takes all the knowledge you’ve gained in parts 1 and 2 and puts them to use in your own kitchen. In this section, he gives his readers simple tools for shopping for your food: stay on the periphery of the grocery store; if an ingredient list has more than 5 ingredients and you can’t pronounce them, it’s not healthy. It’s the “How” part of the whole book—how to, simply: Eat Food. Mostly Plants. Not Too Much.

If you are even slightly interested in healthful eating (and I’m assuming most of us are), you must read this book. I’m serious. Go now, and leave your life of food ignorance. To help feed the masses (ahem. Pun intended) I’m giving away one copy of Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food to a reader. To be eligible to win, just leave a comment on this post, answering this: What’s the one food you refuse to give up, no matter how unhealthy you know it to be (mine’s delivery pizza)?

All comments must be entered by Friday, January 30th, at 9:00 PM (Eastern). Please, one entry per person. I’ll pick a random entry over the weekend. Tell all your friends!

Note: I am in no way supported by Michael Pollan or The Penguin Press. Neither of these groups know who I am, and I’ve never communicated with either of them. Neither are providing this prize, and neither are receiving any direct revenue from the giveaway (Neither am I). I just happen to love this book, and think other people should, too.

The Most Delicious Meal Ever.

2009-01-21T21:48:00.003-05:00

I'm a meat and potatoes girl. Always have been. There's nothing I love more than potatoes, be they baked, mashed, creamed, fried, sliced, au gratin, or spiced. So when I chose to include a recipe for "Saffron Rice Shrimp Salad" on my weekly meal plan, I knew there was a good possibility I would hate it. But guess what? This is quite possibly my new favorite thing to eat.

I got this recipe from "Cooking for 2" magazine (Winter 2009), which is produced by the same folks that make my other favorite magazine ("Simple and Delicious"), Taste of Home.

This recipe will serve two, and is supposed to take only 15 minutes to make, but cooking the rice takes 20, and if you forget that you still have to cook shrimp, it'll be another 5.

For the dressing, you'll need (I didn't try this, but I'm pretty sure this dish would still be awesome without this dressing):

1/4 cup olive oil
2 tbs cider vinegar (I used a little less of regular)
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1-1/2 teaspoons lime juice
1 garlic clove, minced
1/2 teaspoon oregano
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1/8 teaspoon salt

For the meal proper, you'll need:

1 cup torn Bibb or Boston lettuce
1 cup torn Romaine (I just used a baby spring mix from the bag...)
1 medium ripe avocado, peeled and chopped
1 cup cooked saffron rice (because I am cheap and lazy, I just use single-serve packets that are 75 cents each. Be careful, because if you get saffron on your favorite scarf, it WILL NOT come out.)
1/2 lb COOKED large shrimp, peeled and deveined
2 tablespoons minced fresh cilantro (totally forgot to add this, but still delish)

The Process:

In a jar with a tight-fitting lid, combine the first eight ingredients; shake well. If you'd like to use your Nalgene "Life Is Good" water bottle becase you don't have a salad dressing mixer, or even a cocktail shaker, feel completely free. Cover and refrigerate until serving.
Divide lettuce between two plates; top with avocado, rice, and shrimp. Sprinkle with cilantro; drizzle with dressing. Serve immediately, and with a big glass of Shiraz (because Michael Pollan told you to).

It will look like this:

And see how my plate is so ridiculously full? It's because I'm eating off a salad plate. My mind is so easily persuaded. Pretty good, no? Especially considering that three days ago, my fridge looked like this:

It's a New Day!

2009-01-20T12:53:00.003-05:00

Just under an hour ago, Barack Obama was sworn in as our President. I've been listening to Will.i.am's "It's a New Day" since he released it just after Obama swept the polls, and it's become not only a really great song to mark this historic moment in our lives, but a really great song to wake up to. I play it when I need motivation to get moving, and it reminds me that I'm not just this insular creature, but involved in the world's motion.

Confession

2009-01-19T22:51:00.004-05:00

I'll go head and admit it; I'm pretty proud of myself today.

I got back in Oxford last night, with my car absolutely loaded with stuff, and my fridge completely empty. But no more.

I came home from the grocery today with no fewer than 11 different kinds of produce: salad, bananas, tangerines, an avocado, a mango, green peppers, zucchini, squash, onions, sweet potatoes, and a russet.

I've made my meal plan for this week, there is absolutely no junk food in the house. And tonight? Craving pizza after organizing my schoolwork, setting up my desk so I'll actually use it, putting together a bookshelf (this makes three, now, and I need a fourth), I didn't order a pizza. I made an omelet out of all those fresh veggies I bought.

And tomorrow? Inauguration day. It's gonna be a good week.

Isn't It Amazing?

2009-01-13T20:22:00.002-05:00

It really should be simple by now: eating healthy foods makes me feel good! I mean, that's not a hard lesson, but it seems I forget it every time I let myself eat tons of junk before eating a good, fresh cooked meal.

Also, check out these beauties:

These are dinner plates. Obvious, no? But get this: see that big flower? That's where your veggies go. The medium? You put your starch there. And that scrumptious cutie of a small dandy? Your meat. They're made by SlimWare, and although they are far too rich for my blood ($39.99 for 4 plastic plates!!!), it would be pretty easy to paint some simple white (or yellow or red or cerulean) plates you pick up at Goodwill or Target. I'm thinking this is an amazing idea, because I think we all know by now what we should be eating, it's the how much part that always gets me. (I'd want to fill the big flower with potatoes...).

Also, have you heard of this book?
It's Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food, I'm reading it now, and it's blowing my mind in a big way. I'm right at the halfway mark, and when I finish it, I'll definitely be reviewing it (read: gushing my food obsessed little heart out about it).

Hope everyone is having a great week so far! (P.S. Thanks for reading. Seriously. I mean it.)

1st 2009 Weigh-In!

2009-01-10T13:05:00.003-05:00

It is absolutely no surprise that I've gone a little crazy this holiday season. I had such grand plans of losing weight over the holidays, and completely forgot that if I don't have a routine, I don't eat healthy foods or exercise.

And living in my parent's house for a month? Definitely means I don't have a routine. So I weighed in today at 196.2, a weight I haven't seen since August. Whoah. Not that I'm surprised, but it's time to quit making excuses and start taking care of yourself again.

What Just Happened Here?

2009-01-06T16:13:00.005-05:00

It started with a text: Be ready to be picked up at 6:00 >:)

I love my fiance, because he'll take me on a date without telling me where we're going. But then I realized that I had no idea what to wear.

I'm staying at my parents' house right now--I'm on winter break from school. So I packed a suitcase full of winter clothes, because, well, it's winter. When I left Oxford, the nights were below freezing, and the days warmed up to the mid 40s. It was only a little warmer in Augusta. Until I got there, and a few days later, it was in the 80s, and people were doing their Christmas shopping in sandals and tank tops. Except myself, who packed sweaters. For the entirety of Christmas break, I've been wearing a rotation of three long sleeve tees and the dress clothes I got at an after-Christmas sale.

So I'm standing in front of my closet, fully realizing that I am, by all standards, SOL. Dustin said not to wear heels, so my dresses are out, but the jeans I like are too short because I didn't pay attention to the tag and bought the shorts instead of regulars! And the shirt I like is dirty because I've worn it two days in a row! And I can't believe I didn't have the foresight to pack my adorable leopard-print flats! And I can't believe how boring all my clothes are! I wish I could put together cute outfits like everyone else on Wardrobe_Remix! And wait, I still have bags under my eyes!! And what's up with my hair? Why is it lopsided? How can it be frizzy on one side, but flat on the other? Why isn't it curling in that ridiculously cute way? And I've gained 10 pounds over the holidays so nothing fits and I'M SO FAT!

And suddenly, instead of being excited about going out with Dustin, I felt insecure, angry at myself, and jealous of people I've never even met. Thankfully, I recognized all of these feelings as ridiculous, and promptly kicked myself in the shins. I put on those too-short jeans, that dirty shirt (don't tell anyone), and borrowed a pair of black-low heels from my mom. And you know what? I think I look pretty good.

Um, It's Still January.

2009-01-06T01:42:00.002-05:00

I went into Target tonight, and mine eyes were assailed with racks of these:

Target? It's still freaking January. I know I live in Mississippi/Georgia, where winter isn't so much of a season as a cold, passing breeze, but seriously? I'm still trying to quit nomming Christmas peanut brittle and New Year's amaretto.

P.S. Does it freak anyone else out that you can see this girl's ribs above her boobs????

2009!

2009-01-01T15:26:00.005-05:00

I've enjoyed reading everyone's New Year's posts--the motivation is really exciting and contagious, and I've decided, for the first time, to make New Year's Resolutions. Yes, you read that correctly. For the first time! I've never formally made New Year's Resolutions--I'm all about goals, but I usually don't make formal ones. I'm not going to beat myself up to these goals if I find I can't commit to them--the last thing I want to do is make myself feel inadequate when I miss a goal.

Here we go, by category:

Physical Health

Lose ~30 pounds this year. I lost about 20 pounds this year, and 30 more will put me at my 150 lb goal. In addition, this goal isn't too strenuous--just around .6 lbs a week.
Work up to exercising 4-5 times a week. January-March: 1-2x/week; April-June: 2-3x/week; July-September: 3-4x/week; October-December: 4-5x/week. Exercise has always been a weak point with me, so I'm not going to push myself too hard. 30 minutes once or twice a week to start with is more than enough for me to tackle.
Keep improving my diet. This is the thing I've been most proud of in 2008. I started with Weight Watchers, then moved to SparkPeople, and eventually grew tired of counting points and calories, and began to eat intuitively and intelligently. I want to continue these improvements--homemade meals of whole grains, lean meats, lots of veggies and water--reminding myself to eat for health, rather than for weight loss.

Well Being (Spiritual, Emotional, Relational)

Keep writing letters to Dustin; tell him (and frequently) what he is that enamors you. When you're frustrated with him, don't be pouty and annoying about it.
Read 12 "leisure" books. The irony of getting an English degree is that reading novels for class leaves almost no time to read for leisure. I have a list of books I want to work through: In Defense of Food, by Michael Pollan; Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch; Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman, Siddhartha, by Herman Hesse, and other various fiction and poetry collections among them.
Reconnect with old friends, and become closer with acquaintences in Oxford. I really thought I would be better at maintaining my friendships while living in Oxford, but I am, admittedly, a lazy friend. I avoid going out, when I've no reason to other than my laziness and mild social phobias.
Do something crafty. Over Christmas, I taught myself to cast-on and the knit-stitch, and I'm about a third of the way done with a crude scarf. I'd like to continue those skills and make something a little nicer looking.
Clean the house regularly--this involves making a schedule. For cleaning. And maybe gold stars.

Intellectual Health

Plant and maintain vegetable plants--tomatoes, peppers, squash, zucchini--find something that works for Oxford's seasons and planters.
Write a short story or play.
Set up a working desk--clean, organized, functional. Move it out of the bedroom and in to the living room. Use it for studying so you can focus.
Spend at least two hours (if you need that much time--you'll probably need more) reading every weekday. No more getting behind on your reading and skimming through those theory books. Take reading notes if a text is particularly difficult. Don't be afraid to take short breaks--walking around, glass of water, standing outside.

Financial Health

Stay on top of my budget. I'm not used to maintaining such a strict budget, but I have to be. I need to look into some resources (better budget worksheets, perhaps?) to help me. Figure out where you're overspending the most, and why. Adjust as necessary.
Make the most of your wardrobe: thrift, recycle (via Freecycle, Craigslist, Wardrobe Swap, etc.). Buy new clothes only when absolutely necessary. Try to wear everything in your closet, and get rid of those things that don't fit well and that you don't wear.
Don't grocery shop without a list.

Wedding Planning (Because We're Getting Married Next Year!)

I won't relist the things I've already posted on our wedding blog, but they all involve gathering inspiration and ideas, and choosing services and venues slowly.

I've written in my day planner to go over these goals at the end of each month. You've probably noticed, but almost none of these are things that can really be ticked off a list. I've really grown in the past year or two, and I want to continue growing.

A Breath of Fresh Air

2008-12-11T21:42:00.002-05:00

Fall 2008 Semester? I kicked your ass. Hopefully.

My professors haven't graded my papers yet, so maybe I missed, and only kicked the thighs. Or shins. Either way, it's out of my hands now (except for the one class in which we all got extensions because he's expecting masterpieces). I'm even done grading.

Can it really be true that I've moved to Mississippi, finished my first semester of grad school, taught my first course, lost between 25 and 30 pounds, AND gotten engaged? Whew, no wonder I'm exhausted. (And next semester is shaping up to be even busier!)

So other than the paper I have to write, I'm using this break to recoup. To relax. To actively focus on my health. I made kind of a SNAFU of things over Thanksgiving break, and I'm determined not to let the same thing happen over Christmas break. Stay on me, people, in the spirit of kicking this year's shins.

Holidays

2008-12-08T22:30:00.002-05:00

Christmas is 17 days away. Seriously? Where did all this time go? Oh yes, I remember now, Thanksgiving break ate it all up. I've been shedding the 5 pound gain I had over the break (yeah, I went a little crazy--engagement means a lot of celebration dinners and lunches) and I'm at about 189 right now. I'm working towards getting to my Christmas goal, so ~~maybe I~~ I DEFINITELY need to journal for the next two weeks to really keep me on track. I haven't journaled in such a long time, but I'm not trusting my judgment right now, especially when I get to go home for 5 whole weeks this weekend. Times like these I need a babysitter. A babysitter who can help me lose 6 pounds in 17 days.

A Letter of Complaint

2008-12-02T23:23:00.003-05:00

Dear Breasts,
We need to talk. You see, I've begun to rethink our friendship. We've simply been together for too long. This relationship has just gotten too big for me. Really. It's just too much for me to handle. I want to go back to the way we used to be--me, with my naive high school ways, I just assumed we'd always we would stay the way we were. I hoped we could keep our cute, perky, 36-C relationship. I was fine with our friendship growing, for a while, but now it's just too big. I mean, I thought you would stop once we got to the 40DDD stage, and I even got hopeful when we got down to 38DDD, but when I saw our friendship just wasn't fitting any more, I decided to have us professionally evaluated. And you know what, Breasts? 36H just isn't going to work for me. 36H is just too big. 36H is too big to shop for, too expensive, and too painful, especially when my back is carrying all the weight. What I want to know, Boobs, is why you've decided to make our friendship grow when the rest of my body and I are taking it slow, shrinking things down a bit. I mean, c'mon. Where's the limit? Are you shooting for a record or something? It's time to cool it, shrink back down a little. I don't want to have to pay for our therapy.
Think about it,
Ashley

Photo Update

2008-11-25T22:42:00.006-05:00

Whew, getting engaged is busy business. I don't feel like we've quit moving since Saturday night when Dustin popped the question!!! We haven't even posed for pictures yet, but we'll probably do that on Thanksgiving Day.

Until we take our just-after-engagement photos, random shots from our night tonight will have to count (and also I am far too tired to write a real post, unless you count the recount of the engagement story at our wedding blog).

So, Guess What?

2008-11-23T01:42:00.005-05:00

Dustin and I are engaged!!!!

After I unwittingly foiled his plan A this afternoon, he took me the university where we met, to the ampitheater where we had a memorable picnic date. He pulled out a Norton edition of Shakespeare, in which he'd stashed a ring box.

And of course, I cried. And said 'yes.'

We're getting married!!!

(And of course I'm keeping a wedding blog; I've had it locked until Dustin asked. :o) Keep up with us at here).

Road Trippin'

2008-11-19T15:27:00.002-05:00

Okay, the paper is almost done, the novel is being read, and all I have left to do this week is turn in said paper and teach said novel. Friday morning almost here! Travel day. I get to go home to my family, to my boyfriend, to a beautifully brined Turkey and delicious stuffing. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, especially when I haven't seen my boyfriend in a little over a month, and my parents and brother in over three!

The downside? The drive. Oxford is about 8 hours (480-something miles) away from Augusta, and I have to go through both Birmingham and Atlanta. Pretty much the rest of the way is farmland.

But I cope. I've got my road trip music (satellite radio is the *best!*), I'll have my cats in the front seat next to me (in their carrier), I'll be wearing comfy road clothes, gas is back down to the $2 range across the southeast, and I've got a few quarters saved for a diet coke.

One problem. Road food. I'm pretty good about not stopping for fast food. The fact that I try to hit the road before 7 helps curb that temptation a lot! By the time I get to Birmingham, it's still to early for lunch, and when I hit Atlanta, I've only got two hours before Augusta, so I might as well wait for the meal Moms cooked for me. But here's my downfall: when I stop for gas (I drive a Japanese economy car, so I only have to stop 2 or 3 times--I can get to Augusta on just a little more than a tank), but at each stop, I tend to buy chips, a candy bar, maybe an ice cream cone, and a diet soda. Whoah! That is far too many bad calories in one completely inactive day. Plus, it leaves me feeling more groggy than driving past 8 hours of farmland does!

So what do I pack? What do you guys rely on for healthy, energizing road food?

Note to Self

2008-11-18T16:47:00.003-05:00

This is not your time of year. Usually. This year, things ~~will be~~ are already different.

Remember where you were last year? Feeling a bit miserable? Looking at your body in the mornings and not ~~knowing~~ admitting how it got that way? Guess what? That's not you anymore. You educated yourself, you put yourself into a great network of bloggers, and your family more than supports you. You're focusing on your health this year, on your mind. You've lost almost 30 pounds this year. You've dropped a pant size and are dropping another right this very moment. Your clothes fit better and you look even sexier than you did last year. You feel good in the mornings.

Last year you were worried about getting into grad school, this year, you're in, and in the program you wanted, no less! Now all you've got to worry about for now is getting the last 5 or 6 pages of that paper done (and reading a novel or two...). Last year, your doctor told you she was worried about your health. When you see her this year, she'll notice your progress and congratulate her. You'll thank her for being so forward with you while at the same time, not making you feel like a failure.

Last year, you would have used your stress as an excuse to eat unhealthy foods. But not this year. This year, you're going to avoid fast food--even Subway!--when you get tired and stressed. Food is not a solution. Bad food may taste good, but it will not write your paper. Nor will it teach your classes. Bad food will make you feel, well, badly. Cut up those veggies languishing in your fridge. Drink that water that's been sitting in the cooler.

You're going home in two days. After a month, you get to hug your darlin, you get to see your family, and spend time together watching old Christmas movies on the couch. You'll get to relax and unwind, but please remember to enjoy your family more than the food you eat when you're with them. It's okay to enjoy yourself over the break, but remember that going crazy with the sweets isn't what makes the holiday memorable.

Don't feel trapped by your old end-of-term/holiday season habits. This is now your time of year.

Wishlist

2008-11-17T23:51:00.002-05:00

I might need new socks for Christmas.

Paper Progress: ~~7.5~~ 9.75 / 15-20 pages done, Due Thursday at 4

Absentee Blogger

2008-11-14T13:32:00.005-05:00

Whoah, did a whole week just go by? Not sure how I missed it.

I've been holding steady at 187.0 for the past three days, so I guess I can say I'm there now. I haven't been moving past 190 all week, so I suppose it's a good thing I didn't order that pizza for dinner last night after all, huh? This means I've only got 4 pounds left for my Christmas Challenge! It's gonna be tough with my Thanksgiving trip home in about a week, but I think I can do it. I'm packing my scale and my water bottle.

I apologize for being so absent this week--I've got three 15-20 page papers all due in the next month (each one about a week apart!) so I've been trying to work on those in addition to doing my regular reading/teaching. I feel like I've gotten absolutely nothing done, and each time I try to get started, my brain refuses to cooperate. I didn't make it to the park all week, I haven't cooked as much (or when I have I've not liked what I've cooked), and I think I'm getting the cold that everyone has passed around. Even when I get plenty of sleep at night, I wake up feeling exhausted. At least I'll be going home for Thanksgiving soon, so even though I have a paper due the Monday I return, I'll at least have gotten some family time, and my favorite, cuddle time with Dustin in.

This is what my desk looks like, only with about 15 more books stacked on top:
I need strength and a ghost writer.

2008-11-07T16:32:00.005-05:00

There's a little park I've been wanting to go to ever since I moved here nearly 4 months ago. Only, I never did. I don't even have a good reason.

Yesterday, I got the sports bra from Gracie's Gear that I won in Roni's contest a couple of weeks ago (I'll post a review as soon as I try it out once or twice more). And you know how I am--new gear makes me want to actually get off my rear end for once. So after I slept in today (ahhh, 10:30 feels good when you're still in your pajamas), I threw on some workout clothes that haven't been worn in quite some time, and drove out to the park I never thought I'd actually muster up the energy to visit.

And I found out three things: A) It's not so little, B) Walking in the chill and wind that's blowing at your face will make your nose run unstoppably, and C) Trying to run while your yoga pants are falling down is pretty impossible, and a cold wind on your plumber's crack is so not cozy.

As it turns out, the part of the park I pass on my drive to school is only about a fourth of the actual park. It's got a huge looped trail (paved) dotted with park benches and tons of little loops that branch off into smaller parts of the trail--it's great to be able to mark off smaller sections of trail you want to walk. They're doing a lot of renovating right now, and it looks like there's gonna be an ampitheater and a botanical gardens, along with tons of picnic areas and places to play frisbee with your dog. Dustin, I want Weimereiners so we can play frisbee with them. There's also a pond, with fish! (But no swimming or diving.)

There were tons of people around, walking their dogs, playing with their kids, old men in their crazy neon colored shorts and muscle shirts and sweatbands on their foreheads. And since the paths are so long and have so many points of divergence, I rarely got the feeling that I shouldn't be getting in the runners' way. I walked for about an hour and a half (not thinking that would make my thighs hurt!!) and took (according to my pedometer) 9,291 steps. That number is probably a little high though, considering that I have no idea how old this thing is, or whether or not it needs new batteries, and that my dad's work gave it to him (he works for DOE, so you know how those government gifts are...). I walked around the park two and a half times, but I have no idea what kind of distance that is.

I really enjoyed being in this park--all the trees were red and gold, and I loved all the puppers running around. I'm gonna try to make it out there 3 or 4 times a week now, I think.

Yes, We Can (and Did!)

2008-11-05T00:12:00.003-05:00

I can't even express how happy I am right now. I've never cared so much, nor have I had a reason to care. I feel like I can breathe easily. Yes, we can! Yes, we did!

I didn't get as involved in Obama's campaign as I would have liked, but I want to thank EVERY SINGLE PERSON who contributed to Obama's plight, be it through financial donations, driving people to the polls, knocking on doors, making phone calls, making sure people knew Obama's ideas and not just rumors. Thank you.

And thank you Obama Family, for believing in us and giving us something to believe in.

Vote!

2008-11-04T01:02:00.003-05:00

Once every 4 years, we get the chance to participate in something huge (unless the electoral college screws it up for us...can someone explain to me why we still have an electoral college?).

So today, go vote. It might take a while, it will be a hassle to stand in line with your kid, with your to-do list glaring at you, it will mean you've got to muddle through the three-thousand political signs stuck in the ground 27 3/7ths from the polling doors. But it's worth it, is it not?

You probably already know who I've voted for (woo-hoo absentee ballot!!!) and if you don't know, but want to, you can scroll to the bottom of the page, and click on each of the pictures to take you to informative links.

If you want to know an extended explanation of why I'm voting for whom I'm voting you can read a post on my other blog. But mostly, I'm voting for women. I'm voting for my body, which I'm finally learning to love and respect, and for other women's bodies, which should be just as loved and respected. I'm voting for the women in my family (and those men, too) that weren't allowed to vote. I'm voting for my future, for children's, for the future of marginalized and stereotyped and insulted people. I'm voting so that 50 years down the road, I don't have to look back and know I made the wrong decision, that I used my vote to further establish injustice in a world that's already far too unfair.

So regardless of whether you agree with me, or even fully with the candidates, go vote. Vote with your informed conscience. Vote because you have the right to vote.

I was born in the wrong decade...

2008-11-01T13:06:00.007-04:00

Yesterday, a bunch of my classmates went to dinner at a really popular restaurant on the outskirts of town. I wanted to go too, so I did. But I got lost on the way there (Oxford has waaaaay too many "County Roads." Anyway, I was 15-20 minutes late, but no biggs, right? My party's already there, I'll just grab a seat with them. No. Yes, biggs. "You can sit, but you can't eat" the hostess told me. Apparently, they are so inflexible that a late order would throw them into chaos and confusion and bring upon the apocalypse. But dammit, I sat, because it took me 45 minutes to get there. Someone ordered a water for me (I wasn't going to even worry with that) and when the waitress brought it out, she gave it to the girl that asked for it, not even to me. But whatevs. I saved the $15 for my meal AND the fried catfish calories. I'm also never going there again. Those crazy people are NEVER getting my money.

Last night was also the Halloween party, which I hadn't planned on going to. Over dinner, a few people harassed me about not going, and Dustin harassed me about going ("You're going to make friends how?") so at 9:15, I decided I should probably get a costume together. I was going to go as Rosie the Riveter, but once at Wal-Mart, I decided it would be cheaper to go with what I had in the closet, and besides, they didn't carry red

bandanas, only blue, and blue will not do (I originally looked in the fabric section for red polka-dotted material, but alas, no go). So I bought some hair roller spong

es, and back home I go.

This is how it turned out (and my apologies, the photos are really low-light, and the first one was taken with my cell phone).

I'm wearing a vintage 1940's day dress (you can't see it, but there are teensy-tiny horizontal brown pinstripes across the whole dress), cheap nude hose, and brown patent heels (Mudd) with lace detailing that I've had for about a year now. Not pictured, a vintage cotton slip. Note: Although it's still a bit snug, I couldn't button this dress about a month ago.

I put my hair in Victory Rolls (tops only, I didn't have a sponge big enough for the back) using this fabulous tutorial.

Yes, they're uneven a bit, and I should have angled them a bit more, but it was my first go, and I got lots of compliments and even more "you should wear your hair like that all of the time!"s.

Grateful.

2008-10-31T00:07:00.003-04:00

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.

Cicero

I had such a good time enumerating the things I am grateful for last week that I wanted to get in the habit of making sure I recognize the good things in my life.

I'm grateful that more and more awareness is being brought to crucial issues like this one. (If you read nothing else today, click this link and read the whole article.)

I am grateful for those teaching days when my students participate willingly in discussion. I'm especially grateful for those students who don't usually have much to say, but find an author they can engage and enjoy. I realize I have very little to do with this.

I'm glad I have two crazy kitties. I live alone, but coming home to these suckers that won't stay out of the glass I'm drinking out of, that bite my feet when I'm trying to sleep, that jump on the ledge of the tub every time I take a shower, that squeak at me when I come in from my day, and that love to sleep next to me and wake me up by biting my nose really makes living alone a whole lot easier.

I'm glad pansies are resilient flowers, or mine would be dead.

I'm grateful for the recent blog-friends I've made, even though one of them doesn't have a blog. (Hi, Alisha!)

I'm grateful for the pants and skirt I didn't give away when I didn't fit into them, because otherwise, I wouldn't have had anything to wear to teach in today.

I'm grateful for a professor that encourages thought and humor in his classroom, and because he doesn't see it as his classroom.

Ahem...

2008-10-29T11:37:00.004-04:00

Guess who's weighed in at 189 for the past couple of days?

That's right folks, I'm finally out of my 190s. The last time I weighed in in the 180s, I was probably in high school (I remember being 170-ish my freshman year of high school, and 190-ish my freshman year of college).

Christmas Challenge Update: I've lost 9 pounds since whenever it was I started this challenge, and I've got 6 left to lose before Christmas. Only 8 weeks left!! (And three weeks of those eight will be spent with my family and boyfriend, so I've got to be CAREFUL!)

Note to Self: If you would hurry up and incorporate some focused physical activity, those 6 pounds would drop off a lot easier, and you could quit worrying that celebrating the holidays with your family is going to ruin your progress.

Family Ties

2008-10-28T01:44:00.000-04:00

I just got off the phone with my mother. Who was slightly inebriated. After drinking half of a margarita. The other half she spilled on my dad's lap. It was a 20-minute conversation that I spent listening to her laugh hysterically. About what? I have no idea. But it was funny.

We do a lot of things like our mothers. I, thank goodness, require just a few more drinks (read: one full margarita, instead of half) to be slap-happy drunk, but once I get there, I, too, laugh like a moron at everything I see. If I can't be a happy drunk, I don't want to be a drunk at all. My mom and I are fabulous together on the rare occasion we drink together (a shared bottle of muscadine wine and you've got yourself a show).

But I'm not just a happy drunk like my mother, I clean like my mother. I cook dinner like my mother, and wash the dishes like her. I argue like my mother, I laugh at the same jokes my mother laughs at. But I eat like my father. That is to say, mindlessly. Anything in front of me is fair game, unless of course, it's healthy.

We all gain weight pretty much the same way--slowly, consistently, and with little notice until one of us points at each other's asses and says, "Hey, your ass is HUGE!" Well, my dad and I get our bellies pointed at; my mother, her ass. We're apples, she's a pear. Together, we're a veritable fruit salad. (And my brother? He's the toothpick we all hate.)

There came a time when I decided that I didn't want to do everything the way my dad does. I stopped going to his church in favor of finding my own. Dad still pretends to be disgruntled when I announce that I'm one of the bleeding heart feminist liberals he hates so much (even though he's voting for Obama next Tuesday!), and he can't understand why on earth I gave up my biology major in favor of studying American Literature (we won't even get into how amazed he is I'm going to Ole Miss when he graduated from Mississippi State--the rivalry is FIERCE, and their game the Saturday after Thanksgiving is going to be funny as hell).

So, if I'm okay with voting, worshiping, and thinking very differently from my parents, why do I insist on keeping up their unhealthy habits? My dad eats because food is there--for this reason, I don't keep unhealthy foods in the house. When I do, they're gone within days. My mom eats because she's stressed or upset. I'm breaking this habit, but I need to learn to work off my emotions with some other constructive activity. Neither exercise, and I quit working out about a month before I moved to Oxford. And why? Because I'm busy, or I can't afford it, or ice cream tastes really good. The same reasons my parents give. It's time to break the chain.

Monday Miscellany

2008-10-27T12:32:00.004-04:00

Right now, in this moment, I am utterly and profoundly happy. It's 45* outside, my book review is finished a full 4 hours sooner than it's due (I push it close, around here), and my kitties are acting deliciously giddy. Also, Pandora.com has a plethora of Holiday music stations (including a Motown Holiday station which is just rocking my socks off!!!) to listen to so I don't have to keep searching for artists and giving a thumbs down to not-Christmas songs. And yes, I'm still listening to Christmas music. I can't make it stop! Speaking of, I got a Bath and Body Works email this morning advertising their Christmas scents. I don't like their lotions, but I loooooooove the "smells" of Christmas.

Yesterday, I won a sports bra from Gracie's Gear and Roni. I'm so excited!!! I'll let everyone know when I get it and how I like it. It has a zippered pocket! How cool is that? Seriously, I don't know what took people so long to realize that women's clothes aren't nearly practical enough.

I've only got 24 days left until I get to go home FOR A FULL WEEK!!! for Thanksgiving. So while I've got 3 papers and a lecture to work on before then, it's Thanksgiving! I get to go home soon!

I weighed in this morning at 193.4, 187.0, and 190.4. Yeah, I don't know what's going on with that, but I'm going with 190.4, as that isn't a crazy number for me.

All this randomness demands a picture:

Clothing Issues

2008-10-24T22:21:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite dresses is visibly too large on me now. I noticed it today as I was ~~studying~~ shopping. It's an XL from Old Navy, and its meant to be one of those incredibly billowy dresses (which I looooove), but it does have a small elastic bit around the waistline. But even the elastic bit isn't clinging to me anymore.

So although I'm super glad things are getting too big for me, I'm bummed that I'll only be able to wear my favorite pieces for a few weeks (months in some cases) more. Luckily, I saved a bunch of my size 14 jeans, so I only had to buy one new pair. But all my dress pants, except one pair, are already too big. My skirts are either falling off of me or are too small still. Thankfully (I think) my bust measurements pretty much require an XL, even though my waist actually fits a bit better in (most) Larges.

That's the thing with weight loss, though, isn't it? It's so great that we're getting healthy and growing happier and happier with our bodies, but then we've got to splurge on clothes, and I don't think ANY of us have the cash to do that?

I think we should start a swap group. Think a combo of Wardrobe_Remix and Wardrobe Swap Shop (both groups on Flickr which I constantly lurk but haven't joined). Would anyone be interested in joining a group like this? It'd be a great way to get new pieces added to your closet in your size, and since we're all at different stages in our progress, I think there would be a big enough pool of sizes and styles to please a lot of people. Let's think about it.

Gratitude.

2008-10-23T20:44:00.005-04:00

I'll admit, I'm a bit of a grumpus. I complain. I stress. I let things get to me. I try to at least be funny about it, but the fact remains that I'm negative way more than I should be. So I try to be grateful. I'm not as cool as Oprah as to keep an actual gratitude journal, but I am learning to stop and meditate on the little kind actions people take when they don't have to.

I had an optometrist's appointment yesterday (I have the worst vision...I can't see anything clearly if it's not 6 inches in front of my face). I was Dr. Strickland's first patient, and I got into the office even before his office employees did. He greeted me as I came in, and did the most thorough eye exam I've ever gotten. He was more than a good optician, though. He was interested in my life, and talked to me like I was important. I've got a follow-up appointment with him next week, and so he gave me his business card. On the back, there was a handwritten note wishing me the best in my studies, as well as him telling me how glad he was to meet me.

I have a classmate who I've yet to see in a bad mood. I've never heard him utter a mean word about anyone.

Last week, we had a rainy day, and a passing professor (who they didn't know) gave some of my students his umbrella.

Dustin drove 17 hours (round trip) just to spend a weekend with me.

This may be a stretch, but I think that one of the hindrances to my striving to be healthy is my attitude. Failing to recognize the things I should be grateful for regularly tends to put me in a bad mood, especially after a long or exhausting day. When I'm in a bad mood, I make unhealthy decisions. Being stressed and constantly negative is itself unhealthy. I know this about myself: the more I focus on the good things I life, the less significant the bad things are. This is not to say that I ignore the problems in my life, but that I give them the weight they deserve, and no more.

I end with a quote, and a ridiculously cute picture.

The happiness of a man in his life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

I have no idea what day it is.

2008-10-20T19:34:00.004-04:00

I. am. exhausted.

But I had a fabulous weekend with Dustin. I'll post pictures as soon as I can muster the energy to upload them from my camera.

No real surprise, but I gained. I'll be working this week to get it off, and I'm hoping to carve out some time (it's midterm and paper-proposal week) for some actual, concentrated exercise. I've been relying on my treks across campus (and I do trek, let me tell you) to count for fitness, but my body is demanding more. I just need to make the time for it. Perhaps I'll get these out again:
I had a lot of fun "completing" the first DVD in this set of 4, and I actually felt sexy during a workout (instead of sweaty and jiggly and out of place), so that was pretty much amazing.

Also:

I entered the Gracie Gear Giveaway!

Check out Roni’s Weight Loss Blog for more information.

Just a shameless chance to win less boob-jiggles.

Video

2008-10-16T16:01:00.003-04:00

I wasn't tech-savvy enough to figure out how to embed the video here, but I suggest you take a look at this video (Thanks to Roni for the link).

I love that this video talks about wanting a healty ideal instead of a thin one. I like to think that I really am shooting for health this time with my weight loss. And while I definitely am making better choices for better reasons, I still allow myself to slip back into thinking that thinness is the goal (which is the reason behind my endless frustration when my weight has increased every day this week beyond any explanation I have to offer). This video is a good reminder for me. I'm in this for the long run, for a long and healthy life.

Aside: I love that this was started by a sorority. A video like this was just not something I expect from a sorority. Ending breast cancer, sure, but ending negative dialougue about weight? It just wasn't in my stereotype. I was never in a sorority, but I date a (non-typical) fratboy, and I teach college sophomores and juniors at the University of Mississippi--a HUGE Greek-oriented school. To be perfectly honest, I have TONS of anti-Greek feelings. I just don't get it. On my good days, I think the organizations are stupid, exclusionary, centered on gendered, racist, and classist ideals, and a distraction for my students' real purpose in going to college--learning. And that's on my good days. On my bad days? Well, let's just hope I'm not teaching on a bad day. (I will add, though, that many of my Greek students--and almost all of them are in a sorority or fraternity--surprise me.)

Poor Blondie-Boy

2008-10-14T19:22:00.004-04:00

My cat has a gimp. I stepped on him last night (he got under my feet in the kitchen and I didn't know it), and he started limping a few hours later. He doesn't, apparently, hurt badly enough to jump on my desk, scratch at my furniture, or hang from window ledges and door (and for this reason, the vet said I probably didn't need to take him in, unless his limp got worse or he started acting visibly sick). But still, he's my kitteh-baby, and I worry. But really, does this look like a hurt-kitty?

Aren't Mondays Grand?

2008-10-13T14:13:00.002-04:00

Yeah, maybe not so much. I'm trying, though.

I weighed in today at 191.6. I've been 191.x all week, so I need to step up my game (Read: Stop eating crap and get my ass off the couch!). I literally did not eat anything substantially healthy over the weekend. Nothing. Well, unless you count that can of pears. That was one thing. I didn't even take my vitamins. I am soooo freaking close to the 180s; think I can make it by Friday or Saturday???

Funny thing. I stepped on the scale on Friday, and it read 189.6. I was stoked. So stoked, that I had to step on it again 2 minutes later (literally, two minutes later), and it was up to 191.2. How does that even happen??

Anyway, Dustin's coming to visit this weekend (are you getting that I'm excited yet?). There will be some excessive foody-ness going on, but I'm planning on taking us the park and getting some walking/frisbee playing in (Note to Self: Purchase a Frisbee). I might try to make it out to the Faulkner house with him too, as it doesn't seem right that I live in Oxford, Mississippi, and have yet to try to glean some Faulknerian genius from his house. Wait, he wrote his novels while drunk? Maybe I can glean some genius from that, too. :o)

Happy.

2008-10-10T01:27:00.002-04:00

This makes me happy.

This is my boyfriend's uniform (clip-on!) tie for his job; he Geek-Squaddles it for Best Buy.
He supports Mammary Resilience, and you should too.
Encourage all the women in your lives to get a mammogram and perform monthly BSEs. That link will take you to BreastCancer.org's instructions for performing Breast Self Exams. And don't you just love that the woman in the illustration isn't "perfect?!!"

The Sun Will Come Out... Tomorrow!!

2008-10-07T18:34:00.002-04:00

(Was I the only one who wanted to be Little Orphan Annie as a child?)

Yes, folks, I am in a MUCH better mood today. I think I just needed to get it all out of my system. (And get it out of my system I did! My apologies for all the negativity!!)

I'm down to 192 today, so I'm continuing to show some loss this week. I'm only 2 pounds away from getting the Birmingham weekend weight off again. Just in time for Dustin to visit me again in a couple of weekends!! I'm stoked about him coming to Oxford (like, it's all I can think about stoked), but I seriously need to not go overboard while he's here. My aim is to maintain that weekend. Maintenance is so, so good.

This loss puts me at only 9 pounds left before Christmas. There are 11 weeks left, so I still think I can do it. I just have to be careful the weekend Dustin visits, and the week I have off for Thanksgiving. I think if I shoot for maintenance those weeks, I'll still have plenty of room to reach my goal.

Also, I don't get winded anymore when I walk up to my 3rd floor office, and climbing up the huge hill to my normal parking space isn't the monumental journey I thought it was just a little over a month ago. I'm wearing 14s now, and my bras are too big (which isn't a good thing, but it is, too).

So seriously, to all of you who left me happy comments, encouraging comments, sympathizing comments, "Sister, I've been there" comments, thank you. I needed it, and I appreciate how absolutely freaking amazing you all are. THANK YOU!!!

Owie.

2008-10-06T21:12:00.003-04:00

I realize I've been a bit inconsistent with the blogging lately- I apologize! I finally got caught up with last week's schoolwork, only to have the kitties chew through the cable to my power adapter for my laptop, so I couldn't use my laptop, even though I had the time.

I did weigh-in this morning, and it's been falling steadily (by .2 lb increments) all week, so I am lighter this week, but by how much, I can't say. I don't remember!

Unfortunately, emotionally, I'm not much better off. I do want to thank Inny, Crystal, Karyn, and Kathleen for the positive vibes sent my way on my last post. I'm trying!!!! I've been trying to stay strong, trying to keep my mind off how much I miss Dustin, but it's not working. In fact, today, I'm pretty much losing it, which I hate to admit. In class tonight, just in passing, a classmate mentioned talking about our assignment with his wife. Seriously, I almost lost it, right then in there. And he only mentioned talking about his homework!

I finally got my new power adapter in the mail this afternoon when I got home from class, so of course, the first thing I do is get on Skype and start a video chat with Dustin. I *REALLY* lost it then. I can't help it! Tonight was his mom's birthday, so their whole family have been enjoying a night of celebration. I want to be there. Or, I want them to be here.

And of course, me feeling miserable means I want to stuff my face. Thank goodness I don't have any more junk in the house, because I could seriously go for some ice cream and Doritos right now. I'm trying to convince myself NOT to go to the grocery store for that junk! It's like I told Dustin tonight, when he asked how eating bad food makes sense to me when I feel bad (oh to not be an emotional eater!), "If I can't be happy on the inside, I want to put happy in my mouth." Which sounds dirty, I just realized. But that's really how I'm operating right now. I feel a little stress, a whole lotta missing my hunny, and all I can think about doing to ease the misery is moose tracks ice cream and cool ranch doritos.

Ack, I grumbled and mumbled again. I promise some happiness for my next post!!!

Confession

2008-10-01T00:40:00.003-04:00

I ate an ENTIRE medium pepperoni pizza for dinner, along with almost a liter of Diet Coke, and half a thing of CinnaStix. What the hell? Am I trying to kill myself?

I'm not trying to sound self-defeating, but seriously, what was up with my eating ALL of that food? I think it has a lot to do with my feeling pretty bummed out the past couple of days. I am soooo grateful I took a weekend off to be with Dustin, but I've been struggling to keep up with my work this week (I'm miserably behind). I've been skipping the "pink pill" week of my BC, which I know isn't supposed to change anything (considering that the 'period' you have on pink pill week isn't even a true period), but I swear, I'm PMSing. And also, I miss Dustin. A lot. In fact, I'll venture into pathetic-land and say that I'm miserable without him here with me. I can't believe we have to struggle through another 15 months of this mess. Seriously, I've never been glad for time to go by so quickly, but the sooner we all get to December 2009, the better.

Self-pity diatribe ceased.

What a Wonderful Weekend

2008-09-29T14:08:00.010-04:00

It was so wonderful I gained almost 4 pounds! But I'm really not complaining. I met Dustin in Birmingham for the weekend (our halfway point), and since I probably won't get to see him again until Thanksgiving, it was totally worth it. While there, we "stopped by" an Old Navy (we were there for several hours, as it was a HUGE Old Navy, and had TONS of clothes for me to try on), and I got lots of cute new clothes. I still wear an XL top, and I think I will for a long time, as about the only part of me that hasn't shrunk are my breasts. I keep asking them to shrink, but they refuse. Adamantly. But, the new pair of jeans I bought are 14s, and they're not even ridiculously tight (Old Navy has some weird sizing, though, so I may have just lucked out with the cut and fit I like (Sweetheart rise, Boot Cut)). Even greater for this weekend? I like ALL the pictures of myself. Usually I think I look fat, or pudgy, or bad in that shirt, or something else ridiculous, but I'm really happy with how I look. But since I am at 194.4 this week (before I left I was at 190.x), I've got some work to do. Hopefully it will come off pretty quickly.

Photos taken at the Birmingham Zoo, the Kelly Ingram Park, and the 16th St. Baptist Church (where the 4 little girls were killed in the Sept. 16th, 1963 bombing).

I'm Weighing In on Thursdays Now??

2008-09-18T08:29:00.003-04:00

Not really. This is just the 2nd Thursday in a row I've weighed in. I'm down to 191.2 today! I've been at 191.4 almost all week, after a huge losses on Friday and Saturday. Isn't it weird how that works? It's like all of the sudden my body just stops losing. It's almost like it's saying, "Okay, woman, you've made one healthy improvement, let's see another!" I really believe that my body is demanding change from me. And you know what? I love it.

Guess What Size Jeans I'm Wearing Today?

2008-09-16T12:47:00.003-04:00

14s are hugging my ass today, people. They're probably hugging a bit too much, but I'm in them. And I'm staying in them... (I haven't worn these jeans in over a year!!!!!)

10%, Gone. Forever. Amen.

2008-09-14T22:44:00.003-04:00

If I were a Weight Watchers member, I'd be getting a token of some sort. Since January 1st of this year, I've lost a total of 21.6 pounds, or just a tad bit more than 10% of my original body weight of 214 pounds.

I'll never forget that day I visited my doctor in December. It was for my yearly ladies' exam, and as much as we all hate those, I've got a really awesome OB/GYN. She's non-judgmental, honest, and is always open to listening to my health needs. It had been a long, hard semester. I'd be graduating in the spring, and I was busy trying to put together all my grad school applications, write my honor's thesis, keep my apartment from falling apart, trying to keep my job together (I was the secretary for a small church that had a terrible pastor for only 6 months. I got all the reverb from those miserable 6 months). I'd been gaining weight steadily since my last bout with Weight Watchers in 2006. I'd been with Dustin for about 8 months, and the evidence of our many restaurant dates hung uncomfortably on my middle. And more, I was feeling, emotionally, miserable. I was happy with school, and head over heels in love with Dustin, but I was beginning to let my self-esteem slip back to middle-school levels, which is to say, really, really bad. I was irritable, easily frustrated, and completely dependent on others (mainly Dustin) to keep me happy and thinking positively about myself.

I shouldn't have been suprised when April (my ob/gyn) told me, rather frankly, I needed to watch my weight. She asked me how I'd been eating, how I was handling my stress, and after I told her how I was doing pretty miserably with both, she matter-of-factly told me what kinds of foods I should be eating and that it would help me both physically and emotionally to find an outlet for my stress. I cried as I left her office, feeling like I'd completely failed myself. I kept replaying the nurse's face as she scribbled my weight on my chart. She didn't grimace or scoff, but I was horrified, more at myself than what she thought. 214 was the heaviest I'd ever been, and I realized how quickly that number could continue to rise.

For a month or so, I continued to beat myself up, aware that I needed to change my habits, but not ready to do anything about it. I don't even know what snapped in my mind, but Dustin and I started going to the gym at our school together. I began using the Weight Watchers system as a rough guide for my diet. I started this blog, and reading others. I joined SparkPeople.com. And the weight started coming off. More importantly, I was feeling so much better. So much healthier. So much more alive.

Towards the end of the spring semester, my upcoming graduation (and all the stress entailed) consumed my energies, and I let myself slowly slip away from all my progress. The 15 pounds or so I'd lost since January were slowly adding back on. I was preparing to move to Oxford, Miss (to go to Ole Miss for my Masters), and I just didn't think I could handle both trying to lose weight and preparing for grad school. In these three or four months, I continued to read blogs and I usually cooked healthily at home, so I only gained 5 or 6 pounds back.

Slowly, I'm learning that my goal is not to lose weight. It's not be a size 10, or to be skinny, or to even look sexy in a swimsuit (although those things must be very, very nice). I want to be healthy. I want to be vibrant and alive throughout all of my life, and I want my life to be long. I want to enjoy all the days I get to spend with Dustin and my family and friends. I want to feel confident in my body; I want it to reflect the beautiful and spunky person I truly am. I feel held back by the condition I've let my body come to, and I want to let myself grow out of it. So really, although I typically talk about this blog as a weight-loss blog, it's really not that. It's about letting myself grow.

Yesssss!

2008-09-11T07:03:00.004-04:00

So, guess what? I'm at 194 today. Which is the *lowest* I've been all year. And probably most of last year, too. I've been eating so well this week, I've had fun watching it pay off. And feeling it pay off, too.

Seeing that number this morning was really great encouragement for me to keep it up. I'll be at school today from 8 am to 7 pm, Thursdays are always really, really difficult for me to get through without wanting to kill someone (teaching 3 sections of sophomores who "hate" literature will do that to a book lover), so I'm determined to remember that 194 can soon be 184 if I just keep with it and don't give up! "Never give up, never, never give up." I am worth this effort. My body deserves it.

We Were Born to Be in Love With Our Bodies

2008-09-09T22:16:00.002-04:00

This video was made as part of a new ad campaign for Planned Parenthood. And whatever your views on PP are, I'd encourage you to watch this, because I think the message is important for all people, and I'm not just talking about healthy sex here. If you take out the phrase "our reproductive selves" and "down there" and replace it with "our healthy selves" and "of our full selves," you can get a sense that really, somewhere along the lines, we've forgotten how to love ourselves.

If you had video issues, here's the text, which I'm gonna print out (edited to be relevant to overall health and not just sexual health) and put on my fridge:

We were born to be in love with our bodies.
Ask any three year old.
But somewhere down the road to growing up,
we put our healthy selves in the dark.
Rather than worry about what went wrong, we should remember:
It's never too late to know ourselves.
After all, we are ultimately in charge of our bodies.
It may be the most important responsibility we have.
Starting today, let's make a pact: to make our bodies our best friends.
So that when we make decisions,
we're empowered and aware.

And let's promise

to pass that power on by asking everyone to join us...
and take care of our full selves.

You Better Not Pout, You Better Not Cry!

2008-09-07T23:04:00.009-04:00

I love Christmas. I'm with Shanna on this one. I can't help it! I listen to Christmas music sporadically throughout the year. The ENTIRE year. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Funny story. I started working at Hallmark the summer before my sophomore year in college. I know everyone makes fun of Hallmark for producing mass sentimentalist sap, I know; I used to be one of them. When I started there in July (right before their huge yearly ornament debut) all my friends and family made fun of me for working in a store so often frequented by overly hormonal women and men looking for last minute gifts for their girlfriends and wives. I think it took only a month for my coworkers to dub me "The Scrooge." And I was. I worked at Hallmark for just short of 4 years, and I hated every Christmas and Easter and Valentine's Day (Oh, Valentine's Day, How I Still Loathe Thee!) I had to suffer through. Then, a year a half ago, I started dating this guy:

And my hatred for Christmas dissolved away into a big soppy love mess on the floor. Seriously. It was, and still is, completely pathetic and goopy and sugarysweetieloviebunchie of me. I can't help it. Something about being in love with the best guy in the universe does that to me. (See? I told you something about him makes me completely bonkers.)

So, imagine my delight when I started seeing festive little badges for Chubby Chick's Christmas Challenge! They look like this----->

And as I looked over the Challenge, which is oh-so-adorably-decorated, I really considered adding my name to the list of participants. I really did! But then I remembered how I not-so-gracefully kept forgetting to check into ThinkingThin's Summer Challenge (I'm so sorry!), and I realized that official group challenges are probably not the best for me. Personal goals? Oh yeah. I think it's the remembering to check in that gets me. I so rarely remember to weigh-in regularly that the organization factor (and it's totally necessary for challenges) gets me every time.

So here's what I'm doing. I'm supporting all the cool people at Chubby Chick's Christmas Challenge in full on Christmas spirit. And I'm following along on my own, when I remember to weigh-in. My Goal? 15 lbs lost by Christmas. There are 15 weeks left until then, so it's not completely undoable. Based on my weight loss trends, a pound a week is high for me (I usually lose about a half-pound in a week), but why not shoot for the Christmas Star Tree Topper here? If I lose 15 pounds by Christmas, that will put me at 30 pounds lost for the year, which is pretty good, in my book (but yeah, there's been a total gap in my weight loss this year!!!). When I make my goal (not if, not IF!), I'm going to look super-fab in all those early-early-morning Christmas pictures. I'm determined. And totally listening to Christmas music right now.

Inspired By...Gum?

2008-09-06T00:32:00.004-04:00

I don't like fruit. Now, I know that, for us healthy eaters, that's like a kid passing over candy at Halloween. Fruit is one of our few chances to eat something sweet that's good for us, no? But I don't like it. Give me a plate of asparagus in lemon juice any day.

What I do like, though, is artificial fruit flavoring. Don't ask me why; it has always been so. Fresh bananas? I used to literally gag at the thought. Banana runts? I wish they sold them without the others. Blueberries? No thanks. Blueberry muffins from a mix? I'll eat them all. Sliced peaches to top my oatmeal? Can't make it through the first bite. But give me the overly dried out peach-esque stuff that fluffs up a bit when you add milk and microwave? I'm all over it.

So when I saw Trident's Splash gum, in Strawberry with Lime flavor, I almost died. It's like a really good daiquiri but with less than five calories and no annoying hangover when you've had 4 servings! But last night, when I grew tired of chewing gum that really only has a 7 second flavor life span, I wondered what I could make from actual food that would taste stunningly delicious. The result was a pseudo-smoothie that I gulped down in, alas, 7 seconds. It was, however, much tastier than gum.

What I did: I threw maybe 6 or 7 smallish strawberries (these were the frozen kind that I'd mostly defrosted), along with the juice from 1 very overripe lime and 3 or 4 small ice cubes in a food processor (I don't have a blender, or this would have been easier). Then I hit the "High" button, and waited until it was mostly smooth. A taste test showed me that I used way too much lime juice, so I added a teaspoon or two (maybe 3?) of sugar and stirred it up. I put it in the freezer with the intention of making the texture like a sorbet or super awesome giant glass-shaped popsicle, but I am far too impatient so I drank it instead. And you know what? It was delicious. Amen.

What Day Is It, Again?

2008-09-05T22:38:00.002-04:00

I hopped on the scale today, and weighed in at 198, even though I have no idea when my actual 'weigh-in' day is anymore. And you know what? I don't even care. I'm up a pound from whenever I last weighed in, but condidering I had a binge weekend at home in Augusta, I'm okay with that. I went home on Labor Day weekend to celebrate my boyfriend's 25th birthday, and we had a wonderful weekend togther, so that's all that matters.

I'm trying to become more intuitive when it comes to my life, especially with my eating (perhaps that's given me the liberties I've taken with the scale?). I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on what's good for me and what's not (I'm not saying I listen to myself all the time, but I do usually know whether or not something is healthy). I never do well when I feel like I have to force myself to eat at a certain time, or certain foods when I don't necessarily want them, so it's a liberating feeling to try my hand at listening to my body's needs.

That being said, I don't want to slide back into my old habits. So stay on me if you sense I'm being a slacker. That tends to happen.

Note: I've *finally* updated my link lists, so if you've left me a comment recently and don't see your name to the right, PLEASE let me know. I don't want to leave anyone out and I'm all for the building of a happy community here. I've also added the RSS-thinger-ma-jigger, so if that's how you read blogs, that will make it easier on you. I think. Truthfully, I'm not entirely sure how that whole process works.

Those of you who don't use blogger, what do you use and how do you like it? I've been tossing around the idea of setting up a .Mac account and moving this blog around a bit, but I don't have the cash to swing the subscription fee. I'm not entirely satisfied with Blogger right now.

More than a fan. We're involved.

2008-09-04T23:46:00.003-04:00

Yes, that was a random throwback to 10 Things I Hate About You, which I love, in spite of myself. But Mandella was referring to Shakespeare, and I'm talking about food.

I've become more and more aware lately that I literally am involved with food. And I'm not sure it's a healthy relationship. I literally think about food all day long. Well, not every waking moment, but there's a good portion of my day when, if I'm not thinking about eating food, I'm thinking about how to prepare it, or if I need to buy it, or how to make it healthy, or wondering if it is already healthy, or whether or not I've eaten balanced portions throughout the day. I can't stop thinking about it.

And I'm not sure why. It's like the focus of this journey / project / goal for myself--being a healthy, vivacious woman--has morphed into something entirely different, and completely counterproductive to what I need to be a full, satiated person.

I really admire and aspire to Sally's approach to food: it's a vital and important part of life, and meals deserve our attention and care, yet the energies we pour into the foods we eat should never outweigh the joy we get from eating healthful foods that ultimately, were designed to help us lead happy and satisfied lives (forgive me and correct me if I've totally misinterpreted your thinking here, Sally).

There have been so many times when I've taken so much of my time and energy into creating a meal. I poured through cookbooks and websites searching for recipes, I researched or tested all the ways I could alter it to make it more healthful or more to my liking, I've spent money on buying the ingredients I need, taking care not to buy in excess, taking care to use wisely and conserve my resources. Then there's the time I've spent cooking the meal, nudging a recipe along in it's development. And then, I eat. Sometimes I don't stop working to eat. Usually, I worry about portion size or whether or not I'm getting enough fiber or protein. Sure, the meal (usually) tastes good, but I'm not enjoying it the way I deserve to. Something else always pulls my attention away, and all the energy I've invested in the meal seems wasted.

I feel like I'm dissolving all the wholesomeness out of my food when I fail to enjoy it for what it simply is: nutritive, pleasurable, and healthy.

Alabama's Fat Tax

2008-09-02T19:28:00.002-04:00

Okay, so ignoring that this report is coming from Fox News (I tried to find a less obviously Republican publication to pull from, but this was the most complete story), read this article. I'm officially a Georgia resident, but I go to school in Mississippi, so this is close to home.

I can almost understand why this would be a good program. But there seems to be no provision for those who are underweight (and also equally unhealthy), those who are deemed to have an 'appropriate' weight, yet are not healthy at all, or those who have a legitimate medical condition that makes losing weight difficult. It also seems to ignore smokers, chronic drinkers, people who frequently engage in unsafe sex, bad drivers, risk-takers, high-stress individuals, and other people who do not live a healthy life.

Is this "fat tax" just another prejudiced attack on fat people? We can't visually observe most skinny people's health problems, so those smokers, drinkers, and bad drivers (etc.) are exempt from the $25 / month charge. Or is it a legitimate program designed to improve the health of state employees?

And yeah, how pissed off did the last two paragraphs make you?

Give me your thoughts, people. I'm curious for your reactions.

I have no idea how this happened...

2008-08-23T15:12:00.005-04:00

But I'm down almost 6 and a half pounds since I weighed in last. I'd love to say I've been doing everything right, but that's a lie, and you all would know it. I have a suspicion that the beautiful "197" won't last long (I'm serious, there has to be something wrong with my scale...), but I'm going to try to keep it around a few weeks more.

I've been struggling with my decision to not journal the foods and exercises I do. In the past, it's kept me on track when everything else has failed, and watching my progress in writing is gratifying, but I simply don't need another thing on my plate (har. har.) right now. I've got 3 discussion classes to lead, and three seminars of my own to do well in. I'm busy meeting new friends (finally!) and trying to learn my way around a new city. And also, I've got these stinkers running around the place now:

I have to spend time with these babies, right?

In the meantime, my pantry and fridge are stocked with healthy foods. My classes are scheduled so that I've got time to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner (which should really make my students like me a whole lot more...).

I still haven't quite gotten the whole gym time thing down yet. One thing at time, though, I wouldn't want to exhaust these two:

I adopted these two on Thursday. And so I don't have to keep calling them 'these two,' I'd like to come up with some names for, well, these two. Help!

Alone

2008-08-15T21:55:00.002-04:00

Question: Do y'all do better with your diets and exercise alone, or with a partner (be it your spouse, best friend, or Weight Watchers meeting cohorts)?

I've been alone in Oxford (Mississippi, not the cool one in England) for a little over a week now, and I can't decide if I'm doing better or not. I cook healthier foods, and I have the luxury of cooking vegetarian meals now that will actually get eaten (Dustin has a toddler-like disdain for most vegetables). On the other hand, I've been considerably less active without him. Dustin was my fitness partner--we got each other to go to they gym, we took walks together, and when we were living together, we both tended to be more active with the other person there. Unfortunately, he's still in Augusta, finishing up his degree (16 months and counting!), and we've both noticed that neither of us are ready to get off our rear ends and go to the gym without the other one to go with us.

There's supposed to be a park close to my house (I haven't found it yet), but I'm reticent to go by myself. I don't know anyone in this city yet, and if I were to go missing, no one would notice. And also, I'm used to working out with a partner. It's hard for me to get motivated without someone there, sweating up a storm with me. (Excuses? Maybe. But I'm sticking with them, for now.)

So what do you guys do when you're alone and need motivation to be healthy?

But I'm Booooorrred!

2008-08-15T00:30:00.003-04:00

Seriously, y'all. This is getting bad.*

I'm the kind of person that's in her element when she's got a ridiculously overbooked calendar. And right now? Well, it's filled, but with items like "read," "cook dinner," and "make sure you've gone over your budget for the 16th time." And I have: read. cooked. budgeted. ironed. cleaned. read some more. Luckily, my schedule will start to get busy next Tuesday (Meet the Professor! Teaching Workshops! Orientations! More Workshops!), but right now, having dental work would be more enthralling. Not that I have room in my budget for dental work. I know, I've checked 16 times.

If you guys would like to send me some work to do, I would be grateful. Even budgets, I can do those now.

I passed a park at some point this week, and I'll try to find it again tomorrow, if only just to walk around the track (a few thousand times). I mean, seriously, there's only so many times I can check to see if you guys have updated your blogs. (You guys should really consider updating more than once a day. I mean, c'mon, you aren't really doing anything important during your lunch breaks anyway, right? Right? I mean, you could really stand to write just one little extra post a day. Really. It's not too much to ask.)

*I apologize for the addition of a lolcat to this blog. But I am really, really bored. You have no idea.

Note:

2008-08-13T12:36:00.002-04:00

If your boyfriend sends you an awesomebox (a care package), it's probably not smart to eat a Little Debbie Nutty-Buddy-Bar before you've eaten anything else.

Also, for future planning, keep a bra and small bottle of mouthwash within reach of your bed, so you'll be prepared when your doorbell wakes you up.

Told Ya I'd Be Back

2008-08-11T13:49:00.007-04:00

And here I am, weighing in at 203.4. Okay, now that's over with: pictures of what I've been doing the past several weeks...

The final collection of stuff.

My new front door, and the love zennias. Oh yeah, we went there.

Posing with Bill Faulkner's statue on Oxford's Square.

Celebratory Sham-Pag-In!

On the health front, I'm actually surprised my weight isn't higher. I've stocked my fridge with produces, fruit, and whole grains, and I'm already getting back into the swing of things. I spent the weekend with my grandparents, who live just over two hours from my new city, and they sent me home with *tons* of vegetables they'd picked from their gardens this summer. When I say "their" I mean all my great-aunts' gardens. My Granny was the oldest of 8 siblings, all of whom still live in the same town, and almost all of whom have wonderful gardens. I missed most of their fresh produce this season, so the stuff I brought home has been frozen for about a month, but I still figure it's better than what I could buy! I'm looking forward to their winter crops..

Super Quick Post

2008-07-22T13:32:00.002-04:00

What's my Monday weight? No idea. The scale is packed away and I won't see it again until after the first of August.

What's my plan? To eat whatever I have left in the fridge and pantry, to avoid buying more food that I have to pack up and carry with me. (Luckily for me, I have lots of fruits and veggies left... those Rubbermaid produce savers are amazing).

When will I blog again? Seriously, no idea. I'm still training the new girl at work, and packing and priming my old apartment.

And for those of you that are curious, I'll be driving away August 1st to Oxford, MS (from Augusta, GA) to go to grad school. I need good thoughts, people, and lots of them. :o)

All Work and No Play Makes a Grumpy Dieter.

2008-07-14T14:57:00.002-04:00

Not that this feels like a diet right now, no way, nuh-uh.

Remember how I said last week that if I'm not blogging, I'm probably making big unhealthy mistakes? Well, that's not entirely true. It could also mean that I'm too ridiculously busy to even think about blogging. I'm leaving my job on the 25th so I can move to Mississippi, so I've been going through resume after resume, conducting interview after interview, and coordinating schedule after schedule trying to get a replacement in. I started training today, so now things will hopefully be a bit more settled.

I actually did pretty well on the food front. I didn't have time (or the at-home internet connection) to log all the food I ate, but I think I did fairly well making good, healthy and wholesome choices. I didn't have much exercise time in, but I'm going to pretend that staying at a part time job (9 am - 2 pm) till well after 5 or 6 pm every night counts.

Explain something to me: I've been weighing myself every day, just to see where I'm missing it. For the largest part of the week, I've been hanging right around 200, just up and down a few tenths of a pound each day. Why, WHY does the scale decide, on Sunday morning, that it's going to suddenly blossom from 200.x to 202.8? It's like it knows when Monday is coming. It's trying to kill me, slowly, by mental torment, I just know it. I didn't eat anything disgusting on Saturday. I even spent almost all of Saturday in activity--packing for my move (and lifting and storing and cleaning and packing again!). That's such a random jump for one day's worth of normal eating and activity. I can't for the life of me figure it out. I'm going to blame it on the scale. It was obviously disturbed by the amount of cardboard filling my house.

The official, Monday-morning weigh-in was 202.4.

5 Things

2008-07-07T13:10:00.003-04:00

5 Things About Me That Affect My Health:

1. I do not handle stress well. (i.e. I use food to calm me down and make me feel good.)
2. If I do not have a plan for every meal, I will not make good spontaneous decisions.
3. If I mess up early in the week, I will most likely bollox up everything else until the new week starts.
4. I celebrate with food.
5. I rely on others to help me make good decisions, and if I am not blogging or talking to those close to me about decisions concerning my health, I am digging myself into a pit of mistakes.

Let's sum it up:
Stress - Plan - Candid Support --> Stress^2 + Bad Decisions = a 1.8 lb gain + a whole lotta regret + Jabba the Hut-like grodiness.

I'm slowly beginning to realize that I can't treat this as a race, a marathon, or even a competition against myself. I'm in this for my health, for my life, for my happiness. (And I am beyond sick of seeing giant 200's on the scale. Why did I buy a scale with such a large display?)

grumblegrumblegrumble

2008-07-01T09:32:00.003-04:00

I need to walk around with bright yellow CAUTION! tape stapled to my ass, cause lately, I've been a bitch. Not the good kind.

In short, I'm busy taking on the world one long distance phone call at a time, and I need a break. From life. Not from being healthy. But someone might consider not-so-gently reminding me that making blondies and eating fast food is *not* a good way to cope with stress. If I eat one more thing that's not healthy, I'm seriously going to audition for the next Star Wars movie. I'd be great playing this guy:

I weighed in yesterday at 200.6, after being at 199.4 the day before. Go figure.

Seriously, Y'all....

2008-06-23T09:56:00.003-04:00

Cook everything the Pioneer Woman suggests, because omg, it's good. (And if this English major says "omg" for emphasis, you know it's good. Her recipes are not designed to be calorie friendly, but I'm finding that because she uses simple, everyday, pantry-stuffer ingredients, substitutions are a breeze. A delicious, delicious breeze.

This week has gone really well. I cooked every night except one. (!) I'm finally settling into a routine with my eating, and it's showing! I'm down to 200.4 this week. I just knew I was going to be in the 100's this week, but now I've got a goal for next week. I usually have a tall glass of skim milk and hershey's syrup for breakfast, I graze while I'm at work (500 calories or so) and then eat a dinner with my honey. Oh yeah. I said it, with my honey. God, I'm such a sap. Let me tell you about our dinners, because you all need a love story in the morning, right?? (I know there's at least 2 of us PMSing here...)

This is my honey. We met because of Jazz (his favorite: Ella Fitzgerald. My favorite: Miles Davis). My alma mater (that just sounds fun!!) hosted a yearly event called the Cullum series, and a whole year of events revolved around the theme that they'd chosen. In 2007, it was Jazz. A few academic classes were offered, and there were jazz classes and workshops every week. Dustin and I both took a jazz class, but different ones - he, the history of jazz, myself, the language of jazz. It was in this class I became enamored with Thelonious Monk. I went to Best Buy to get one of his albums, and lo and behold, a cute boy was working. (That's always a good thing, I don't care how old and taken you are.) This cute boy had been in my Shakespeare class a few semesters previous, but because he felt the need to advertise his fraternity with every t-shirt he put on, I thought he was a douchebag. Luckily for him, he was wearing a Best Buy shirt, and not a Delta Chi one, because I was willing to talk to him for hours on end. About jazz. About organized religion. About the inability to dance. About being fat kids at heart. About how much I instantly liked him and wanted to knock him on his feet with smooches. Wait, we didn't talk about that last one, but I felt it. I walked out of Best Buy that day full of all the silliest emotions we love so much. I called my brother (who worked appliances at Best Buy) and asked if he knew him. "Yeah, he's cool," came his praise. Before I left him standing at a CD tower, we promised to look for each other at the next show. I've never agonized over what to wear to a jzz show, or whether or not to show up early or late, or if I should let him find me, or if I should find him, but pretend that I hadn't, or if red lipstick would be a bit much for this??, but after that concert, in which he deftly acknowledged my fidgety nature, we were inseparable. When he, unawares, bought 2 rounds on our first date that just happened to be my 2 favorite beers ever, I knew he was mine.
And now? Now we eat dinner in our PJs, and at 9:00 at night. But we eat dinner together. We eat dinners with the food that he bought, and that I put together. And we eat it while listening to jazz. When Dustin first moved in with me, we were really bad about sitting down with dinner in front of the TV. We were also really bad about going out to eat all the time. But now? Now we enjoy the food we eat, and we enjoy it with Miles Davis in the background. It gives us time to enjoy each other, too. And talk. And stare at each other dumbly. And tell stupid jokes. And kiss until our food goes cold. It's a wonderful thing.

Sister, Why are You Here? Pasta

2008-06-19T14:38:00.003-04:00

**Update!** I forgot the most important part! How can a recipe survive without a soundtrack, right? The beauty of almost any pasta dish is that noodles and sauce cook remarkably well with jazz vocalists in the air. This recipe turns out beautifully with a Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, and Sarah Vaughan mix. So go forth, and procure the vocalists.

Work has been incredibly slow lately, and the boyfriend has worked every night until 10 for I don't know how long, so I've been going a bit stir-crazy being by myself all the time. So yesterday, I called my Mom and Dad, made sure they didn't have dinner plans, and told them I was going to cook dinner for them. The title comes from what my brother says to me every time I'm home. Ah, sibling love.

I pulled this recipe from my new favorite website, ThePioneerWoman.com, and it was a decided smash. It has a lot of steps, but it's super easy. Le promis.

You will need (for 6-8 servings):

a box of penne or similarly small noodle (whole wheat, of course)
a pound of jumbo shrimp, peeled and deveined (and dethawed, as I would learn)
EVOO and/or butter
small onion, diced
8 oz can tomato sauce
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1 cup dry white wine
1 cup heavy whipping cream (if heavy cream is too full of delicious, delicious calories for your liking, you could probably be all health-conscious and diet-smart and substitute half of the cream with half-and-half. You know, if you wanted to go there.)
5-6 basil leaves, parsley, salt, pepper, and basically any other spice you want
veggies, optional. I added a zucchini to the mix and it was delicious

Connect the Numbers:

Put on a pot of water to boil for your noodles. It will begin boiling at just the right time.
In a saucepan (big enough for your sauce and noodles), heat olive oil. While your EVOO is heating up (but not too hot!), run cold water over the shrimp. Add the shrimp to the oil, and let them cook through until just pink. You want to avoid overcooking as they'll go back on the heat later. Remove shrimp prom pan and allow to cool on chopping board.
Add the onion and garlic to saucepan, cook until a pretty gold color.
While the onion and garlic is cooking, chop the cooled shrimp into tiny pieces.
Pour a glass of white wine into the onion and garlic (after savoring a sip or two or three for yourself, of course). If you don't like wine, 1/2 cup lo-sodium chicken broth will do fine, although wine is delicious. Really, really delicious.
Add 8 ounces tomato sauce, stir together.
Add 8 ounces heavy whipping cream, stir together.
Now add your spices. I used dried. Fresh herbs are tastier and prettier, but dried are lazier and from a bottle.
Add the chopped shrimp to the mix and let it heat through again.
By this time, your penne should be cooked al dente. Drain the pasta, and add to the saucepan, stirring it all around to coat each and every single last noodle with delicious sauce-y goodness. It's as simple as that!!

Arrogant Little Voices

2008-06-18T09:09:00.003-04:00

I had this post planned before I wrote it. I was driving to the gym, and the arrogant little voice in my head was planning to casually mention to all of you that I started the Couch to 5K program this week, and the first run was a breeze. The arrogant little voice had plans to be deceptively humble, and say that the transition from elliptical to treadmill was really going to be the challenge, because I'm already able to run 30-40 minutes (2.5-3 miles) on the elliptical without stopping. Oh yes, this arrogant voice had plans.

And then I stepped on the treadmill. And then I warmed up. And then I began running. The arrogant little voice in my head run and hid. I don't know what it was about the first C25K workout that was so hard--perhaps it was just getting adjusted to the transition of elliptical to treadmill. There is, after all, a lot more stress on the joints, and a considerably less fluid motion of the legs and arms. I get tired more quickly on a treadmill, my heart rate spikes more highly on one (182 yesterday, yikes!!). Perhaps it was the stop-and-go nature of the first workout (jog 60 seconds, walk 90, repeat for 20 minutes). I'm used to slowing down and speeding up, but never walking. I wanted to quit in embarrassment.

But I didn't. I wanted to absolutely die from the combination of sweat, a too-rapidly beating heart, a face red from heat and embarrassment, and sore boobs, but I didn't. I completed the workout. I have motivation to move on to the second. And the arrogant little voice? He's peeking furtively around corners making sure no one sees him.