Finding the Source of Motivation

Wow, I've been gone a long time. You forgive me, right?

Clearly, I've gotten off track. I've had (I'm having?) what you'd call motivational issues. It always amazes me how I can look at my body, feel my body, carry around my body and know I'm unhealthy, and yet have no desire to change anything. 

Over the past few months, I've pretty much erased any progress I'd made. It disgusts me, but at the same time, I know it will do absolutely no good telling myself I've failed. I don't need to continue this self-destructive cycle. 

I need to break it. Make improvements. Get right back on the ole' bandwagon and try again. 

Here's the thing: I'm not sure how I want to approach this. I've thought about joining Weight Watchers. I've thought about following Jillian's "plan" she puts forth in "Master Your Metabolism." I've thought about counting calories and macronutrients on SparkPeople.com. I've thought about joining a gym. I've thought about doing workout DVDs and my WiiFit. 

But I've tried all these things before, and always, I stop trying after a few months. I don't want to hit rock bottom before I finally make a permanent change, but I can't seem to muster up enough motivation to stick with a program, no matter what kind of program it is. I guess it doesn't make sense to think of "motivation" as a mystical gift I'll wake up with one day. In fact, I've got a sneaking suspicion my "motivation" is something I'll have to work for, scrounge for under the couch cushions of my mind and body. 

Some people use their kids, their spouses, the threat of cancer or heart disease, or a big, amazing goal to reach as their motivation. What's yours? (Maybe it will help me find mine.)

Working Out Like a Girl

I've been blogging for a year now, and there have always been way more women weight loss/health bloggers than men. And dieting has been a traditionally female thing to do. Not that I think it should be. In fact, I think dieting and exercise for the purposes of losing weight has been so cast as something only women do that men are hesitant to pursue weight loss, especially publicly. I can't think of many reasons why there were so few men at Weight Watchers meetings when I was a member a few years ago (women often came to the meetings with their daughters, sisters, and female friends, but almost never their husbands or brothers or sons). I can't think of many other reasons why there are only two weight loss blogs authored by men on my Blogger, and one of them (there are more, I'm sure, but I haven't stumbled across them yet). And this has to be the only reason that I'd have a conversation like this with my fiance (I'm in the green bubbles, he's in the grey ones):

Since he thinks Jillian is girly-girl dancing around, I can. not. WAIT. for him to try her workout. Dustin is going down.

What a Bitch

I know I'm probably the last person in America to try Jillian's 30 Day Shred. It's as hard as everyone says. And it has to be, if she's going to slap a "Lose 20 pounds in 30 days!" message on the cover.

But wow, that was hard. I've always said that I wanted Jillian to come kick my ass during a workout. I lied. I don't want Jillian. She's mean, and she makes me hurt. She's kind of a bitch during this workout, shouting things like, "Don't you dare stop," "No cheating," "I've got 400 lb people that can do this; so can you," and "If you want results in a 20 minute workout, you've got to work for it." Thanks, Jillian. Of course I knew these things already, but it's not fun hearing that I have to work hard in a work out. I mean, sheesh, who is this woman?
Oh. Hi, Jillian. I don't have a picture of myself in a swimsuit, because it's scary. Um, thank you for being a bitch. I kind of need it.

Can I just say that yoga ALWAYS makes me feel super sexy? I have no idea why I stopped doing it, because really, right now? I could conquer the world because I'm that super hot. (And WAY more flexible than I thought I'd be!)

And I am LOVING the fact that you can watch fitness videos instantly on Netflix. Today I did this one: Crunch Super Slim Down. It was harder than I thought it would be, but it moves really quickly through a full body workout, and gives you several rest points throughout the 35 minute workout.

And seriously, you will feel like a super flexible, sexy goddess in a worn out pair of Old Navy yoga pants.

(Oh, and by the way? This is Day 3 in a row of me working out!)

Step aside, Jillian...

...because the people at Self may be just as cruel.

I just completed the Self Bikini Ready, Fast workout, and ohmygoodness. As Juno said in the delivery room, "Ow, Ow, Fuckkity OW!!!" Let the record show that it is after 1 AM, and I was am so committed to getting my workout done EACH and EVERY SINGLE DAY, that I started working out at 12:30. IN THE MORNING.

It hurt so bad. My legs, arms, and abs are shaking. The muscles in my back hurt. I wanted to quit, multiple times. But I couldn't. You see, the fitness leaders were working out in front the tide rolling in on a beach, and they were all tan and smiling, and they kept talking about looking graceful in a bikini, so it's not like I could stop. Not with that hanging over my head. I don't even look graceful fully clothed.

This workout targets your entire body, but the parts that are hurting me most are my quads (it's a good thing I've planned to wear flats tomorrow, because there's no way I could walk, much less teach in heels after this!). My arms and back muscles were already sore after Billy Blank's Tae Bo that I did yesterday, but I have a sneaking suspicion I won't be able to hoist my Early American Lit anthology tomorrow. I was doing curls and figure 8s and lifts and all kinds of crazy things with my arms and weights, and there were LOTS of squats involved. LOTS and LOTS of squats. And lunges, and plyo jumps. And balancing. But no smiles on my part, no way. That was totally the trainer's deal. (Maybe if I was working out on a completely tourist-free beach in Mexico, I could smile through a workout, too.)

The best part? It's on Netflix, available as a Watch Instantly selection. It's an exact half-hour workout, so it's perfect for us Lentils.

P.S. I just finished reading a few Amazon reviews, and people were calling this a good workout for your off days. I think that unless you identify more with the Roni's and Mizzes of the world would you call this an "off-day" workout. I can't wait until I'm there with you. But for now? I'm totally fine with a 30 minute workout that will make me unable to climb stairs or lift anthologies.

P.P.S. Lest people think I'm going nuts trying to look like a swimsuit model for some sports magazine, I am not. The swimsuit I'm actually trying to get into looks more like the one the girl second from the right is wearing. But in black. With cute little blue peek-a-boo flowers on the bust to emphasize my decolletage (like it needs emphasizing!) Only a few more inches!!!

Not Being Lazy Takes Effort

Somehow, when I promised to give up laziness for Lent, I thought it would happen by itself. I didn't stop to consider that when I was giving up laziness, that meant I would have to, you know, work at it.

I did my bellydance on Wednesday, but didn't work out on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. This morning, Fat Bridesmaid lamented her funkedness on Twitter, and I was right there with her. I'd slept in until noon, and was planning on spending the entire day in my pajamas, eating whatever it was I have in my cabinet (which somehow inludes chocolate chips and white chocolate baking chunks I bought for dipping strawberries in, but so far, I've only eaten them sans fruit). We said a workout was in order, and instead of just agreeing with her and continuing to sit on my ass, I actually got up.

I just finished the "Foundations" workout for Billy Blank's Tae Bo. I took a self-defense class as an undergrad, and all the "moves" (punches and kicks) have stuck with me, amazingly, but wow, I worked up a sweat and I'm probably going to be sore tomorrow.

And you know what? I feel energized now. I'm gonna get my shower, eat a good breakfast lunch, and get on with my day. I'm ready for my day!

Day 1/40: Bellydance

I promised Fat Bridesmaid (okay, and myself, too) that I'd give up laziness for Lent. I'm not really a practicing Christian (or Jew or Buddhist or Deist), but it seems as good as time as any to give up something I love: sitting on my ass.

Additional bonus? Dustin and I won some free photography from Ellie at Bird In Hand Photography, one of our favorite photographers we're considering for our wedding. (You can read our winning entry here, and for more of our wedding-y goodness, read our wedding blog!) We're shooting (ha!) to have our session while I'm home for Spring Break, so this gives me just about three weeks to really get my butt in gear and lose a few more pounds.

I dowloaded the Lose it! application for my phone, and I've started tracking my calorie intake again. I used to do this all the time on SparkPeople.com, and as much as I love their community, their mobile site just isn't as user-friendly as Lose It!

So today? 35 minutes of Bellydance for Wimps, and this is my daily summary:

Giving Up Laziness

Dear Ashley,
It's your Smarter Self again, and I'd like to show you something.
This is not a breakfast. Or a lunch. Or a dinner.These are your cookbooks and fabulous copies of "Simple and Delicious." Why aren't you using them?These are your workout clothes! They're comfy and some have a neat pocket for a key. So far, you've only slept in them. See all those t-shirts? You never wear them. Look, sports bras! Including one you got for free! These are way comfier than those underwire things, but they make you look like you have a uni-boob. Good thing you only wear them when you work out.
And these sneakers? It's time for some new ones, but these have your medical information written inside the sole. How handy! Too bad you never wear them, so no one will know that your blood type is O+ unless you wear them (and subsequently take them off).
Look at this awesome water bottle. You paid for it, so you might as well use it.
And this yoga mat! It's purple, and has a strap! Ignore the fact that your cats almost chewed through it, and use it anyway. You even went all out and got the yoga strap and block! And a jump rope! You could do this for hours as a 5th grader, and then you got all doughy in middle school when it was no longer cool to jump rope. Time to take back old school recess games. You don't like any of the cool girls from middle school, anyway.And look at all these fabulous fitness DVDs! Tae Bo with a sexy sculpted man! Yoga! Bellydance!! And look, the Carmen Electra Striptease DVDs you've completely ignored because you feel silly. Guess what, hon? You're sexy, but you don't know how to striptease, so get on it.

Oh, one more thing, Ashley. You told Fat Bridesmaid you were gonna work out with her for 40 days straight. You can't let that woman down. She's one badass babe. Get off your ass and move, woman!

Note to Self

Dear Ashley,
I know you love your new running capris, but guess what? There's a reason they're called running leggings. They're for running! Or at least jogging. Guess what they're no for? Sleeping. Lounging. Showing off how cute your ass is. When you put them on, you should be going to the park! Not sitting on your cat-fur covered chair eating Candy Hearts. Because guess what? After too many candy hearts and not enough running, your ass won't be that cute anymore.
Love always,
Your Smarter Self

Chub Rub and Other Sensations

Sensation #1: Shock!
Week 1, Day 3 DONE! I had to write that first, because I don't think I would've had the guts to say it later.

Sensation #2: Whupped.
I feel so completely whupped by today's run, it feels like I didn't do it. Ironic, because if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't feel this whupped. Today's run was the hardest (physically). I didn't experience nearly the self-defeating mindfucks I had on Wednesday, which helped me push it through today. I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. (Note to self: do not eat a baked potato before you run.)

Sensation #3: Brickiness.
My legs feel like bricks. It was seriously an effort to be able to break on the drive home. I'd be completely convinced my legs were bricks if it weren't for that unpleasant sensation on my thighs. Yes, I'm sure we know this feeling well, which brings us to

Sensation #4: chub rub!
I've been wearing pants to run because it's been freezing, but today, the temperature miraculously spiked to 68, so shorts it was! Never again. Well, at least not until my thighs don't rub together. Actually, I don't know of a time when my thighs didn't rub together. Is this even physically possible? Something to consider when I don't want to go on Sunday's run....

But seriously, is there a pair of running shorts that won't ride up to ridiculous extremes when a girl with rubbing together thighs runs? I would feel great happiness if there were.

Addendum:
SENSATION #5: GREAT PRIDE!!
I got this text from Dustin-fiance while writing this post: "441.7 calories, 33 minutes. Whew. I'm drenched." He'd been at the gym while I was at the park. I love that man.

Wow, I Smell Really Bad

I just got back from Week 1, Day 2 of Couch to 5K. Yeah, I know, I completed Day 2 a full week after Day 1, but we're going to roll with it. I am tired. I'll be sore tomorrow. I'm sweaty and really, really smelly (like wow, I didn't think my body could smell that bad smelly). But I did it. And I didn't stop early, not even once (not even when I thought I was on the 5-minute walk-to-cool-down bit, and I was surprised with one more "Jog for 30 seconds!" bit)!

So while today was a physically easier, I'm pretty sure my mind wasn't in the right place. When I started running today, I felt like the fat kid at P.E. No matter how overweight I've been, and no matter how out of shape I am, I've never felt like the person that just couldn't do it. Today, I did, and I don't want to feel like that ever again. Last week (and maybe it's because it was still Day 1 and I was being naive), even though I felt like I just.couldn't.keep.running, I tried, and usually made it, and the next time the faster techno music signaled to run for 30 seconds, it didn't occur to me that I might not make it until I was just a few seconds shy from the 30 second mark. This week, I felt like that while I was still walking. So even though this week was actually easier physically than last week, it felt like such a mountainous challenge compared with last week's. And even more, nothing about the routine had changed.

It was all in my head, and I'm not sure why. Even at 214 pounds, with my doctor kindly telling me to get off my ass, I had pretty good self-esteem. I know I'm a gorgeous girl, I'm funny and smart, and even though my body overweight and out of shape, that's not who I am. I wouldn't be able to do this if I didn't love myself (which is why I ALWAYS harp on people who are beating themselves up). So it was just very strange to hear myself thinking "you can't do this; you're too fat; you're not gonna make it; you'll never be healthy or thin" today. It took all of my strength to stop thinking those self-abusive thoughts and search for the things that would encourage me. Today? It was noticing how good my shadow looked while running. At least it looked like it knew what it was doing.

So that's that, then. Week 1, Day 2 DONE. Here's to Friday finally wrapping up Week One of this thing (If I can make it to Friday, it will be the furthest I've ever gotten with C25K--I've started it twice before, and never made it past Day 2).

I ran today.

And while I don't actually look all that proud to have completed Week 1, Day 1 of Couch to 5K here, I actually am. Really proud.

I was watching episodes 2 and 3 of The Biggest Loser on Hulu last night, and I realized something: when it comes to working out, I am a Joelle. And if you've seen this season or even read the play-by-plays, you know this is not a good thing. I give any reason under the sun not to push myself. Now, I don't know how I'd be with a trainer, because I've never had one. I've relied on myself to push myself, and we know how troublesome that can be. "Myself" thinks it's okay to constantly take things slow, and while taking it slow when I'm just starting out is good, but there's a marked difference between "taking it slow" and "taking it nowhere." "Myself" is lazy, likes to be sitting down, and hates to be sweaty, out of breath, and in pain. Which is, of course, the state of things after today's interval training. Who knew that jogging for 30 seconds would be so ridiculously hard for me? But you know what? I did it. Only once did I stop jogging before the 30 seconds was up (I'm using the Podrunner: Intervals Podcast until I can find someting less techno-tastic) and I only stopped a few seconds too soon--maybe 3? Still, I have a feeling that if Bob or Jillian were training me, they'd tear me a new one for those few seconds. Not that I would mind either Bob or Jillian yelling at me. They are the hotness.

So here we go. Week 1, Day 1, done.

If I don't tell you guys on Friday how I did for Week 1, Day 2, I am begging you to kick my ass. I need this. Call yourself Jillian if you have to.

You Better Not Pout, You Better Not Cry!

I love Christmas. I'm with Shanna on this one. I can't help it! I listen to Christmas music sporadically throughout the year. The ENTIRE year. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Funny story. I started working at Hallmark the summer before my sophomore year in college. I know everyone makes fun of Hallmark for producing mass sentimentalist sap, I know; I used to be one of them. When I started there in July (right before their huge yearly ornament debut) all my friends and family made fun of me for working in a store so often frequented by overly hormonal women and men looking for last minute gifts for their girlfriends and wives. I think it took only a month for my coworkers to dub me "The Scrooge." And I was. I worked at Hallmark for just short of 4 years, and I hated every Christmas and Easter and Valentine's Day (Oh, Valentine's Day, How I Still Loathe Thee!) I had to suffer through. Then, a year a half ago, I started dating this guy:

And my hatred for Christmas dissolved away into a big soppy love mess on the floor. Seriously. It was, and still is, completely pathetic and goopy and sugarysweetieloviebunchie of me. I can't help it. Something about being in love with the best guy in the universe does that to me. (See? I told you something about him makes me completely bonkers.)

So, imagine my delight when I started seeing festive little badges for Chubby Chick's Christmas Challenge! They look like this----->

And as I looked over the Challenge, which is oh-so-adorably-decorated, I really considered adding my name to the list of participants. I really did! But then I remembered how I not-so-gracefully kept forgetting to check into ThinkingThin's Summer Challenge (I'm so sorry!), and I realized that official group challenges are probably not the best for me. Personal goals? Oh yeah. I think it's the remembering to check in that gets me. I so rarely remember to weigh-in regularly that the organization factor (and it's totally necessary for challenges) gets me every time.

So here's what I'm doing. I'm supporting all the cool people at Chubby Chick's Christmas Challenge in full on Christmas spirit. And I'm following along on my own, when I remember to weigh-in. My Goal? 15 lbs lost by Christmas. There are 15 weeks left until then, so it's not completely undoable. Based on my weight loss trends, a pound a week is high for me (I usually lose about a half-pound in a week), but why not shoot for the Christmas Star Tree Topper here? If I lose 15 pounds by Christmas, that will put me at 30 pounds lost for the year, which is pretty good, in my book (but yeah, there's been a total gap in my weight loss this year!!!). When I make my goal (not if, not IF!), I'm going to look super-fab in all those early-early-morning Christmas pictures. I'm determined. And totally listening to Christmas music right now.

Alone

Question: Do y'all do better with your diets and exercise alone, or with a partner (be it your spouse, best friend, or Weight Watchers meeting cohorts)?

I've been alone in Oxford (Mississippi, not the cool one in England) for a little over a week now, and I can't decide if I'm doing better or not. I cook healthier foods, and I have the luxury of cooking vegetarian meals now that will actually get eaten (Dustin has a toddler-like disdain for most vegetables). On the other hand, I've been considerably less active without him. Dustin was my fitness partner--we got each other to go to they gym, we took walks together, and when we were living together, we both tended to be more active with the other person there. Unfortunately, he's still in Augusta, finishing up his degree (16 months and counting!), and we've both noticed that neither of us are ready to get off our rear ends and go to the gym without the other one to go with us.

There's supposed to be a park close to my house (I haven't found it yet), but I'm reticent to go by myself. I don't know anyone in this city yet, and if I were to go missing, no one would notice. And also, I'm used to working out with a partner. It's hard for me to get motivated without someone there, sweating up a storm with me. (Excuses? Maybe. But I'm sticking with them, for now.)

So what do you guys do when you're alone and need motivation to be healthy?

I be up in the gym just working on my fitness (he's my witness)

It was always the plan to join a real gym once I graduated and the free use of the school's gym expired with my degree. But when my boyfriend and I met with a couple we're friends with for lunch today, and they waxed poetic about the beauty of their gym, and then offered to get us a guest pass for free so we could take a look around and try out all the equipment, we couldn't pass that opportunity up. And when we go there, well, we'll be joining a new gym on Friday.

I feel kind of guilty for paying for a gym when there's a free one at my disposal, especially since I'm supposed to be amassing grad school funds, but at the same time, if having a membership with a gym that offers a fitness checkup (free!) every six months, constantly updated and accessible charts tracking your progress, free classes as varied at Tai Chi, Body Pump, Water Aerobics and dance lessons, and sectioned off areas for those "self-conscious" exercisers, then it's a price I'm probably willing to pay in order to get myself healthy.

I've been eating kind of cruddily lately--I'm stressed out and constantly busy with school--and I've been feeling it. I did elliptical training for the first time tonight in probably a week and a half, and I didn't feel it as much as I thought I would. I think having to read the captions to the O'Reilly factor annoyed me to the point of being able to ignore the burning in my quads. Taking the new gym for a test drive tonight invigorated me to get back on track. I'm so excited to start a more comprehensive and total-body workout plan. In addition to the fitness checkup I'll get when I start, a trainer will show me the finer points of all the gear, and help me plan what I need to do to be satisfied with my workouts. I'll be trying a spinning class for the first time (and I'm so stoked about this!!); I want to start swimming (which should be interesting, as I have no idea where my swimsuit is, or even if I'd be comfortable working out in it). The couple we met for lunch told us about their favorite class-Body Pumping-I'd never heard of it, but they LOVE it, so I'm really excited to try it.

And one of the best things? It doesn't look like a gym. It's not a big open box with machines crammed together. Machines are sectioned off and spread apart, so if bimbos march in, I can distance myself from them lest I be tempted to throw my sweaty towel at them. The walls literally look like Dr. Seuss illustrations--walls are curved, the hallways twist around, every four feet or so is painted a different color--it's really quite postmodern. And perhaps on of the most awesome things? It's located smack in the middle of Broad Street, the center of our downtown, and where the boyfriend and I like to spend a lot of our time. Directly across the street is our favorite bars and restaurants, it's a quick walk to our Riverwalk and to a library. Now if only we could sprig for a loft with swanky furniture, we'd be set.

I'm a Maneater, Apparently.

I am, admittedly, a dork. I've actually grown to be proud of this. Unless something goes horribly wrong, I will graduate cum laude (one-hundredth of a point away from magna cum laude, I shit you not), I'm in foreign language societies and literature societies and in the honors student association. My idea of a date is playing Scrabble on the floor. I have more books than I've shoes, clothes, and panties combined. I am not, then, the kind of woman that displays any kind of prowess on the dance floor, much less in her own apartment, which is why my boyfriend laughed when I told him I wanted to belly dance. I called him while he was at work, at Best Buy (He's a Geek Squad Agent--and the dorkfest continues...) and told him of this sudden impulse for sexiness. When he realized I was serious and was able to contain his snickers, he told me to come on up to the store and we'd look at what they had (I'm not too sure why he needed to look with me, but I think he just wanted to see if I was serious or not). So I got there, armed with resolve and marching in flip-flops. He showed me the fitness DVD section and we searched for belly dance. And searched. And searched some more. We saw none. And that's when my boyfriend pointed out Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease DVD collection.

Yes. Collection.

5 DVDs of Striptease and Smut. Which, of course, I purchased posthaste I drove home immediately to learn my new skill. But which should it be, which DVD should I try first? Aerobic Striptease? Fit to Strip? Would I be brave enough to try Advanced Aerobic Striptease? Or should I jump straight to The Lap Dance? Maybe as a cool-down, I could work on Hip-Hop.

I was unsurprising and started with Disc 1: Aerobic Striptease. And while my new friend Carmen is as giggly and superficial as her boobs are perky and manufactured, she's hot. And she knows how to be hot, dance hot, and, well, striptease in a fashion that is, of course, hot. I'm not as flexible as Carmen Electra, nor can I be as seductive as Carmen Electra, but I don't actually intend to become a stripper. And when I showed my Geek-Squad boyfriend a taste of my new bedroom talents, well, he was glad Carmen Electra is out there to share her gifts.