No Makeup Self Portrait, 2009

Fat Bridesmaid challenged her readers to post a no makeup self portrait, in the spirit of honesty and true selves and all that.

I think that's a great idea. This blog naturally lends itself to focus what I put on my body, and less on who I am--regardless of what I wear (though I think clothing and makeup can be a great method of self-expression, and sometimes I feel more "me" dressed to the nines with a full face of glamour).

But here I am, sans makeup, in a picture I took for my fiance:



Know what else? I LOVE that at 24, I already have laugh lines around my eyes.

The Happiness Project

I've always been a relatively happy person. And while I'm not known as the person who smiles all the time and is always in a good mood, generally, people that come in contact with me find me in good humor. In fact, there are only two times in my life that I can look back on and say that I've had significant moments on unhappiness--middle school, when I thought I was ugly, fat, and hated by everyone, and early college, when I was having similar thoughts.

This semester (and last semester, too) has been really rough. And while I wouldn't say that I've been unhappy, I've certainly had my moments. I'm homesick. I miss my fiance like crazy (I just realized today that we're now keeping up a long distance relationship--before, I just felt really lonely without him). The classes I'm taking now aren't thrilling me, and I'm wrestling with deciding if I want to jump into my PhD in the next few years, or if I want to wait, and where Dustin and I will live once I get my MA. I feel stupid in most of my classes, and I'm not exactly sure how to catch up. My cats are adorable, but they've chewed through a lot of money this semester (mostly in power adapters for my laptop). I don't know if Dustin will be able to find a job once he moves here, and I worry about our finances. And I can't seem to get below 180 lbs no matter what I do. Et cetera and so on.

I had a mild revelation a few days ago, sparked by this movie trailer. It was one of those revelations that shouldn't really be a revelation, but it was. If I dwell on these things that make me unhappy, I'm going to be an unhappy person. And I really don't want to be an unhappy person. There are far too many of them in the word already. I don't mean that I shouldn't think about my future--my education and Dustin's career and our joint bank account are all things that need to be thought about, but not with this overwhelming sense of desperation that tends to surrounds my thoughts on these subjects. I need to keep joy at my center, even when things feel unbalanced.

There are a few memorable people in my life, and I usually remember them because of how unstoppably joyful they are. I want to be one of those people, and so I'm going to try. I don't mean to be glib about life. I know there are a lot of people who struggle with being happy. It's not as easy as just deciding to be happy. I know this. But I must try. I know it won't be as simple as waking up and saying "I am going to be happy today," but can't that be a start? Otherwise, where would I even begin?

Here. Now. With The Happiness Project.

How would you start on your own Happiness Project?

Treats for People Like Me

If you're like me, you don't last very long without a sugary, usually chocolately treat. If you're even more like me, you tend to take your treats too far, and turn them into binges. And if you're exactly like me, you allow your binges to completely throw you off your game, convince me you'll never succeed, so you gain 10 pounds (or more) until you decide to star over, this time swearing off treats all together until you (inevitably) binge again.

The solution. Treat yourself. But only make enough treats to last you a couple of servings. Yes, I said make. I find that if I buy treats (say a small bag of chocolates, or a trip through Sonic's drive through for some ice cream), I don't savor it, and it's only a few days before I feel like I need another "treat," (which of course leads me to said binge).

This is my current favorite treat:

These are double dipped strawberries. They're more expensive than a regular Reese's Sonic Blast, but they're healthier, and way tastier. Oh, and you have to make them. But they are super easy to make.

You need: strawberries, 1 1/2 squares of semi-sweet baking chocolate, and 1 1/2 white chocolate baking squares. You'll also need a cookie pan, wax paper, two bowls, and a microwave.

Obviously, you're going to melt the chocolates (~45 seconds in the microwave) and then dip the strawberries. (Though it's helpful to let the first layer harden before your dip the second). And the pretty swirls? That happens when the semi-sweet shell melts into the white chocolately goodness.

I've estimated each strawberry to have right around 37 calories (I use Baker's Brand chocolates), so 3 of these is your 100-calorie snack 0' the day (minus the excess packaging and ridiculous ingredients).

So go ahead, treat yourself.

Can I just say that yoga ALWAYS makes me feel super sexy? I have no idea why I stopped doing it, because really, right now? I could conquer the world because I'm that super hot. (And WAY more flexible than I thought I'd be!)

And I am LOVING the fact that you can watch fitness videos instantly on Netflix. Today I did this one: Crunch Super Slim Down. It was harder than I thought it would be, but it moves really quickly through a full body workout, and gives you several rest points throughout the 35 minute workout.

And seriously, you will feel like a super flexible, sexy goddess in a worn out pair of Old Navy yoga pants.

(Oh, and by the way? This is Day 3 in a row of me working out!)

Feeling Like a Failure

Lately, I have been one grumpy lady. I haven't been sleeping, I miss Dustin and my family like crazy, and I can't seem to keep caught up with my schoolwork. So of course, my diet and exercise has suffered. It's not even on the back burner anymore; it's completely off the stove and stored in a Tupperware dish in the fridge behind the 24-can case of Diet Dr. Pepper. And my weight is back up to 198. Granted, that's still down from my original 214 start, but c'mon! I was at 185 before Thanksgiving, and I haven't been able to even get close to that since then!!! Needless to say, this is frustrating. I feel like even when I'm doing good work and tracking my food and exercise, I'm not losing any weight. So I go on a weekend binge, and any progress I was making went out the window. And I'm not motivated at all to work out--I've only done 3 days of 8 for my Laziness-for-Lent challenge!

I need to rearrange my mind, as I can't seem to get past seeing slow progress as a failure. How do you deal when your mind is the only obstacle? How do you convince yourself that slow progress is NOT failure?

Wow, I Smell Really Bad

I just got back from Week 1, Day 2 of Couch to 5K. Yeah, I know, I completed Day 2 a full week after Day 1, but we're going to roll with it. I am tired. I'll be sore tomorrow. I'm sweaty and really, really smelly (like wow, I didn't think my body could smell that bad smelly). But I did it. And I didn't stop early, not even once (not even when I thought I was on the 5-minute walk-to-cool-down bit, and I was surprised with one more "Jog for 30 seconds!" bit)!

So while today was a physically easier, I'm pretty sure my mind wasn't in the right place. When I started running today, I felt like the fat kid at P.E. No matter how overweight I've been, and no matter how out of shape I am, I've never felt like the person that just couldn't do it. Today, I did, and I don't want to feel like that ever again. Last week (and maybe it's because it was still Day 1 and I was being naive), even though I felt like I just.couldn't.keep.running, I tried, and usually made it, and the next time the faster techno music signaled to run for 30 seconds, it didn't occur to me that I might not make it until I was just a few seconds shy from the 30 second mark. This week, I felt like that while I was still walking. So even though this week was actually easier physically than last week, it felt like such a mountainous challenge compared with last week's. And even more, nothing about the routine had changed.

It was all in my head, and I'm not sure why. Even at 214 pounds, with my doctor kindly telling me to get off my ass, I had pretty good self-esteem. I know I'm a gorgeous girl, I'm funny and smart, and even though my body overweight and out of shape, that's not who I am. I wouldn't be able to do this if I didn't love myself (which is why I ALWAYS harp on people who are beating themselves up). So it was just very strange to hear myself thinking "you can't do this; you're too fat; you're not gonna make it; you'll never be healthy or thin" today. It took all of my strength to stop thinking those self-abusive thoughts and search for the things that would encourage me. Today? It was noticing how good my shadow looked while running. At least it looked like it knew what it was doing.

So that's that, then. Week 1, Day 2 DONE. Here's to Friday finally wrapping up Week One of this thing (If I can make it to Friday, it will be the furthest I've ever gotten with C25K--I've started it twice before, and never made it past Day 2).

Confession

I'll go head and admit it; I'm pretty proud of myself today.

I got back in Oxford last night, with my car absolutely loaded with stuff, and my fridge completely empty. But no more.

I came home from the grocery today with no fewer than 11 different kinds of produce: salad, bananas, tangerines, an avocado, a mango, green peppers, zucchini, squash, onions, sweet potatoes, and a russet.

I've made my meal plan for this week, there is absolutely no junk food in the house. And tonight? Craving pizza after organizing my schoolwork, setting up my desk so I'll actually use it, putting together a bookshelf (this makes three, now, and I need a fourth), I didn't order a pizza. I made an omelet out of all those fresh veggies I bought.

And tomorrow? Inauguration day. It's gonna be a good week.

Note to Self

This is not your time of year. Usually. This year, things will be are already different.

Remember where you were last year? Feeling a bit miserable? Looking at your body in the mornings and not knowing admitting how it got that way? Guess what? That's not you anymore. You educated yourself, you put yourself into a great network of bloggers, and your family more than supports you. You're focusing on your health this year, on your mind. You've lost almost 30 pounds this year. You've dropped a pant size and are dropping another right this very moment. Your clothes fit better and you look even sexier than you did last year. You feel good in the mornings.

Last year you were worried about getting into grad school, this year, you're in, and in the program you wanted, no less! Now all you've got to worry about for now is getting the last 5 or 6 pages of that paper done (and reading a novel or two...). Last year, your doctor told you she was worried about your health. When you see her this year, she'll notice your progress and congratulate her. You'll thank her for being so forward with you while at the same time, not making you feel like a failure.

Last year, you would have used your stress as an excuse to eat unhealthy foods. But not this year. This year, you're going to avoid fast food--even Subway!--when you get tired and stressed. Food is not a solution. Bad food may taste good, but it will not write your paper. Nor will it teach your classes. Bad food will make you feel, well, badly. Cut up those veggies languishing in your fridge. Drink that water that's been sitting in the cooler.

You're going home in two days. After a month, you get to hug your darlin, you get to see your family, and spend time together watching old Christmas movies on the couch. You'll get to relax and unwind, but please remember to enjoy your family more than the food you eat when you're with them. It's okay to enjoy yourself over the break, but remember that going crazy with the sweets isn't what makes the holiday memorable.

Don't feel trapped by your old end-of-term/holiday season habits. This is now your time of year.

Gratitude.

I'll admit, I'm a bit of a grumpus. I complain. I stress. I let things get to me. I try to at least be funny about it, but the fact remains that I'm negative way more than I should be. So I try to be grateful. I'm not as cool as Oprah as to keep an actual gratitude journal, but I am learning to stop and meditate on the little kind actions people take when they don't have to.

I had an optometrist's appointment yesterday (I have the worst vision...I can't see anything clearly if it's not 6 inches in front of my face). I was Dr. Strickland's first patient, and I got into the office even before his office employees did. He greeted me as I came in, and did the most thorough eye exam I've ever gotten. He was more than a good optician, though. He was interested in my life, and talked to me like I was important. I've got a follow-up appointment with him next week, and so he gave me his business card. On the back, there was a handwritten note wishing me the best in my studies, as well as him telling me how glad he was to meet me.

I have a classmate who I've yet to see in a bad mood. I've never heard him utter a mean word about anyone.

Last week, we had a rainy day, and a passing professor (who they didn't know) gave some of my students his umbrella.

Dustin drove 17 hours (round trip) just to spend a weekend with me.

This may be a stretch, but I think that one of the hindrances to my striving to be healthy is my attitude. Failing to recognize the things I should be grateful for regularly tends to put me in a bad mood, especially after a long or exhausting day. When I'm in a bad mood, I make unhealthy decisions. Being stressed and constantly negative is itself unhealthy. I know this about myself: the more I focus on the good things I life, the less significant the bad things are. This is not to say that I ignore the problems in my life, but that I give them the weight they deserve, and no more.

I end with a quote, and a ridiculously cute picture.

The happiness of a man in his life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Video

I wasn't tech-savvy enough to figure out how to embed the video here, but I suggest you take a look at this video (Thanks to Roni for the link).

I love that this video talks about wanting a healty ideal instead of a thin one. I like to think that I really am shooting for health this time with my weight loss. And while I definitely am making better choices for better reasons, I still allow myself to slip back into thinking that thinness is the goal (which is the reason behind my endless frustration when my weight has increased every day this week beyond any explanation I have to offer). This video is a good reminder for me. I'm in this for the long run, for a long and healthy life.

Aside: I love that this was started by a sorority. A video like this was just not something I expect from a sorority. Ending breast cancer, sure, but ending negative dialougue about weight? It just wasn't in my stereotype. I was never in a sorority, but I date a (non-typical) fratboy, and I teach college sophomores and juniors at the University of Mississippi--a HUGE Greek-oriented school. To be perfectly honest, I have TONS of anti-Greek feelings. I just don't get it. On my good days, I think the organizations are stupid, exclusionary, centered on gendered, racist, and classist ideals, and a distraction for my students' real purpose in going to college--learning. And that's on my good days. On my bad days? Well, let's just hope I'm not teaching on a bad day. (I will add, though, that many of my Greek students--and almost all of them are in a sorority or fraternity--surprise me.)

10%, Gone. Forever. Amen.

If I were a Weight Watchers member, I'd be getting a token of some sort. Since January 1st of this year, I've lost a total of 21.6 pounds, or just a tad bit more than 10% of my original body weight of 214 pounds.

I'll never forget that day I visited my doctor in December. It was for my yearly ladies' exam, and as much as we all hate those, I've got a really awesome OB/GYN. She's non-judgmental, honest, and is always open to listening to my health needs. It had been a long, hard semester. I'd be graduating in the spring, and I was busy trying to put together all my grad school applications, write my honor's thesis, keep my apartment from falling apart, trying to keep my job together (I was the secretary for a small church that had a terrible pastor for only 6 months. I got all the reverb from those miserable 6 months). I'd been gaining weight steadily since my last bout with Weight Watchers in 2006. I'd been with Dustin for about 8 months, and the evidence of our many restaurant dates hung uncomfortably on my middle. And more, I was feeling, emotionally, miserable. I was happy with school, and head over heels in love with Dustin, but I was beginning to let my self-esteem slip back to middle-school levels, which is to say, really, really bad. I was irritable, easily frustrated, and completely dependent on others (mainly Dustin) to keep me happy and thinking positively about myself.

I shouldn't have been suprised when April (my ob/gyn) told me, rather frankly, I needed to watch my weight. She asked me how I'd been eating, how I was handling my stress, and after I told her how I was doing pretty miserably with both, she matter-of-factly told me what kinds of foods I should be eating and that it would help me both physically and emotionally to find an outlet for my stress. I cried as I left her office, feeling like I'd completely failed myself. I kept replaying the nurse's face as she scribbled my weight on my chart. She didn't grimace or scoff, but I was horrified, more at myself than what she thought. 214 was the heaviest I'd ever been, and I realized how quickly that number could continue to rise.

For a month or so, I continued to beat myself up, aware that I needed to change my habits, but not ready to do anything about it. I don't even know what snapped in my mind, but Dustin and I started going to the gym at our school together. I began using the Weight Watchers system as a rough guide for my diet. I started this blog, and reading others. I joined SparkPeople.com. And the weight started coming off. More importantly, I was feeling so much better. So much healthier. So much more alive.

Towards the end of the spring semester, my upcoming graduation (and all the stress entailed) consumed my energies, and I let myself slowly slip away from all my progress. The 15 pounds or so I'd lost since January were slowly adding back on. I was preparing to move to Oxford, Miss (to go to Ole Miss for my Masters), and I just didn't think I could handle both trying to lose weight and preparing for grad school. In these three or four months, I continued to read blogs and I usually cooked healthily at home, so I only gained 5 or 6 pounds back.

Slowly, I'm learning that my goal is not to lose weight. It's not be a size 10, or to be skinny, or to even look sexy in a swimsuit (although those things must be very, very nice). I want to be healthy. I want to be vibrant and alive throughout all of my life, and I want my life to be long. I want to enjoy all the days I get to spend with Dustin and my family and friends. I want to feel confident in my body; I want it to reflect the beautiful and spunky person I truly am. I feel held back by the condition I've let my body come to, and I want to let myself grow out of it. So really, although I typically talk about this blog as a weight-loss blog, it's really not that. It's about letting myself grow.

We Were Born to Be in Love With Our Bodies

This video was made as part of a new ad campaign for Planned Parenthood. And whatever your views on PP are, I'd encourage you to watch this, because I think the message is important for all people, and I'm not just talking about healthy sex here. If you take out the phrase "our reproductive selves" and "down there" and replace it with "our healthy selves" and "of our full selves," you can get a sense that really, somewhere along the lines, we've forgotten how to love ourselves.



If you had video issues, here's the text, which I'm gonna print out (edited to be relevant to overall health and not just sexual health) and put on my fridge:

We were born to be in love with our bodies.
Ask any three year old.
But somewhere down the road to growing up,
we put our healthy selves in the dark.
Rather than worry about what went wrong, we should remember:
It's never too late to know ourselves.
After all, we are ultimately in charge of our bodies.
It may be the most important responsibility we have.
Starting today, let's make a pact: to make our bodies our best friends.
So that when we make decisions,
we're empowered and aware.

And let's promise

to pass that power on by asking everyone to join us...
and take care of our full selves.