Saturday, July 11, 2009

Big Girls Don't Cry...Usually

Let's face it: I'm a slacker. I've lost my mojo. Sometimes, I honestly don't care anymore.

In the past three weeks, I've only cooked about 3 meals at home. I can't tell you the last time I exercised. I don't even want to look at my scale. I don't have to. I can feel my body creeping back to what it was last January. Heavy, inflexible, unhealthy.

I know that's not what I want to be, but I cant seem to buckle down and do what needs to be done. I'm not sure what it's going to take. Whenever I try to get back on track, I last for about a week, and then something will come up and I'll be right back into my old habits again. It's like I can't even convince myself anymore that I want to be healthy. It's not even a matter anymore of wanting to be fit and healthy and struggling to find energy to do that; it's a matter of me not even caring that I'm fat and out of shape. How do you get over that?

I realize that I'm fully responsible for what goes into my mouth, and what I choose to do with my body, and I recognize that I can't blame my repeated backsliding on anything but my choices, but let's face it. This is hard to do alone. I don't have the person that helped me lose so much weight last year. And I need to find a way to do this without Dustin dragging my ass to the gym every other day.

The way I see it, I've got a few options. I can force myself to do this on my own--through SparkPeople/Daily Plate/Lose It!/Wii/Park/DVDs/blogging. I can join Weight Watchers and try that again (it's been three years since I joined, and I'm willing to try again). I can join a gym and hope the cost in fees will keep me going.

I'm not trying to be whiny and annoying, but none of those options sound appealing to me. I need to care again, and I'm not sure why I don't.