Finding the Source of Motivation

Wow, I've been gone a long time. You forgive me, right?

Clearly, I've gotten off track. I've had (I'm having?) what you'd call motivational issues. It always amazes me how I can look at my body, feel my body, carry around my body and know I'm unhealthy, and yet have no desire to change anything. 

Over the past few months, I've pretty much erased any progress I'd made. It disgusts me, but at the same time, I know it will do absolutely no good telling myself I've failed. I don't need to continue this self-destructive cycle. 

I need to break it. Make improvements. Get right back on the ole' bandwagon and try again. 

Here's the thing: I'm not sure how I want to approach this. I've thought about joining Weight Watchers. I've thought about following Jillian's "plan" she puts forth in "Master Your Metabolism." I've thought about counting calories and macronutrients on SparkPeople.com. I've thought about joining a gym. I've thought about doing workout DVDs and my WiiFit. 

But I've tried all these things before, and always, I stop trying after a few months. I don't want to hit rock bottom before I finally make a permanent change, but I can't seem to muster up enough motivation to stick with a program, no matter what kind of program it is. I guess it doesn't make sense to think of "motivation" as a mystical gift I'll wake up with one day. In fact, I've got a sneaking suspicion my "motivation" is something I'll have to work for, scrounge for under the couch cushions of my mind and body. 

Some people use their kids, their spouses, the threat of cancer or heart disease, or a big, amazing goal to reach as their motivation. What's yours? (Maybe it will help me find mine.)

Working Out Like a Girl

I've been blogging for a year now, and there have always been way more women weight loss/health bloggers than men. And dieting has been a traditionally female thing to do. Not that I think it should be. In fact, I think dieting and exercise for the purposes of losing weight has been so cast as something only women do that men are hesitant to pursue weight loss, especially publicly. I can't think of many reasons why there were so few men at Weight Watchers meetings when I was a member a few years ago (women often came to the meetings with their daughters, sisters, and female friends, but almost never their husbands or brothers or sons). I can't think of many other reasons why there are only two weight loss blogs authored by men on my Blogger, and one of them (there are more, I'm sure, but I haven't stumbled across them yet). And this has to be the only reason that I'd have a conversation like this with my fiance (I'm in the green bubbles, he's in the grey ones):

Since he thinks Jillian is girly-girl dancing around, I can. not. WAIT. for him to try her workout. Dustin is going down.

Confession

I'll go head and admit it; I'm pretty proud of myself today.

I got back in Oxford last night, with my car absolutely loaded with stuff, and my fridge completely empty. But no more.

I came home from the grocery today with no fewer than 11 different kinds of produce: salad, bananas, tangerines, an avocado, a mango, green peppers, zucchini, squash, onions, sweet potatoes, and a russet.

I've made my meal plan for this week, there is absolutely no junk food in the house. And tonight? Craving pizza after organizing my schoolwork, setting up my desk so I'll actually use it, putting together a bookshelf (this makes three, now, and I need a fourth), I didn't order a pizza. I made an omelet out of all those fresh veggies I bought.

And tomorrow? Inauguration day. It's gonna be a good week.

A Breath of Fresh Air

Fall 2008 Semester? I kicked your ass. Hopefully.

My professors haven't graded my papers yet, so maybe I missed, and only kicked the thighs. Or shins. Either way, it's out of my hands now (except for the one class in which we all got extensions because he's expecting masterpieces). I'm even done grading.

Can it really be true that I've moved to Mississippi, finished my first semester of grad school, taught my first course, lost between 25 and 30 pounds, AND gotten engaged? Whew, no wonder I'm exhausted. (And next semester is shaping up to be even busier!)

So other than the paper I have to write, I'm using this break to recoup. To relax. To actively focus on my health. I made kind of a SNAFU of things over Thanksgiving break, and I'm determined not to let the same thing happen over Christmas break. Stay on me, people, in the spirit of kicking this year's shins.

Note to Self

This is not your time of year. Usually. This year, things will be are already different.

Remember where you were last year? Feeling a bit miserable? Looking at your body in the mornings and not knowing admitting how it got that way? Guess what? That's not you anymore. You educated yourself, you put yourself into a great network of bloggers, and your family more than supports you. You're focusing on your health this year, on your mind. You've lost almost 30 pounds this year. You've dropped a pant size and are dropping another right this very moment. Your clothes fit better and you look even sexier than you did last year. You feel good in the mornings.

Last year you were worried about getting into grad school, this year, you're in, and in the program you wanted, no less! Now all you've got to worry about for now is getting the last 5 or 6 pages of that paper done (and reading a novel or two...). Last year, your doctor told you she was worried about your health. When you see her this year, she'll notice your progress and congratulate her. You'll thank her for being so forward with you while at the same time, not making you feel like a failure.

Last year, you would have used your stress as an excuse to eat unhealthy foods. But not this year. This year, you're going to avoid fast food--even Subway!--when you get tired and stressed. Food is not a solution. Bad food may taste good, but it will not write your paper. Nor will it teach your classes. Bad food will make you feel, well, badly. Cut up those veggies languishing in your fridge. Drink that water that's been sitting in the cooler.

You're going home in two days. After a month, you get to hug your darlin, you get to see your family, and spend time together watching old Christmas movies on the couch. You'll get to relax and unwind, but please remember to enjoy your family more than the food you eat when you're with them. It's okay to enjoy yourself over the break, but remember that going crazy with the sweets isn't what makes the holiday memorable.

Don't feel trapped by your old end-of-term/holiday season habits. This is now your time of year.

Family Ties

I just got off the phone with my mother. Who was slightly inebriated. After drinking half of a margarita. The other half she spilled on my dad's lap. It was a 20-minute conversation that I spent listening to her laugh hysterically. About what? I have no idea. But it was funny.

We do a lot of things like our mothers. I, thank goodness, require just a few more drinks (read: one full margarita, instead of half) to be slap-happy drunk, but once I get there, I, too, laugh like a moron at everything I see. If I can't be a happy drunk, I don't want to be a drunk at all. My mom and I are fabulous together on the rare occasion we drink together (a shared bottle of muscadine wine and you've got yourself a show).

But I'm not just a happy drunk like my mother, I clean like my mother. I cook dinner like my mother, and wash the dishes like her. I argue like my mother, I laugh at the same jokes my mother laughs at. But I eat like my father. That is to say, mindlessly. Anything in front of me is fair game, unless of course, it's healthy.

We all gain weight pretty much the same way--slowly, consistently, and with little notice until one of us points at each other's asses and says, "Hey, your ass is HUGE!" Well, my dad and I get our bellies pointed at; my mother, her ass. We're apples, she's a pear. Together, we're a veritable fruit salad. (And my brother? He's the toothpick we all hate.)

There came a time when I decided that I didn't want to do everything the way my dad does. I stopped going to his church in favor of finding my own. Dad still pretends to be disgruntled when I announce that I'm one of the bleeding heart feminist liberals he hates so much (even though he's voting for Obama next Tuesday!), and he can't understand why on earth I gave up my biology major in favor of studying American Literature (we won't even get into how amazed he is I'm going to Ole Miss when he graduated from Mississippi State--the rivalry is FIERCE, and their game the Saturday after Thanksgiving is going to be funny as hell).

So, if I'm okay with voting, worshiping, and thinking very differently from my parents, why do I insist on keeping up their unhealthy habits? My dad eats because food is there--for this reason, I don't keep unhealthy foods in the house. When I do, they're gone within days. My mom eats because she's stressed or upset. I'm breaking this habit, but I need to learn to work off my emotions with some other constructive activity. Neither exercise, and I quit working out about a month before I moved to Oxford. And why? Because I'm busy, or I can't afford it, or ice cream tastes really good. The same reasons my parents give. It's time to break the chain.

Gratitude.

I'll admit, I'm a bit of a grumpus. I complain. I stress. I let things get to me. I try to at least be funny about it, but the fact remains that I'm negative way more than I should be. So I try to be grateful. I'm not as cool as Oprah as to keep an actual gratitude journal, but I am learning to stop and meditate on the little kind actions people take when they don't have to.

I had an optometrist's appointment yesterday (I have the worst vision...I can't see anything clearly if it's not 6 inches in front of my face). I was Dr. Strickland's first patient, and I got into the office even before his office employees did. He greeted me as I came in, and did the most thorough eye exam I've ever gotten. He was more than a good optician, though. He was interested in my life, and talked to me like I was important. I've got a follow-up appointment with him next week, and so he gave me his business card. On the back, there was a handwritten note wishing me the best in my studies, as well as him telling me how glad he was to meet me.

I have a classmate who I've yet to see in a bad mood. I've never heard him utter a mean word about anyone.

Last week, we had a rainy day, and a passing professor (who they didn't know) gave some of my students his umbrella.

Dustin drove 17 hours (round trip) just to spend a weekend with me.

This may be a stretch, but I think that one of the hindrances to my striving to be healthy is my attitude. Failing to recognize the things I should be grateful for regularly tends to put me in a bad mood, especially after a long or exhausting day. When I'm in a bad mood, I make unhealthy decisions. Being stressed and constantly negative is itself unhealthy. I know this about myself: the more I focus on the good things I life, the less significant the bad things are. This is not to say that I ignore the problems in my life, but that I give them the weight they deserve, and no more.

I end with a quote, and a ridiculously cute picture.

The happiness of a man in his life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Video

I wasn't tech-savvy enough to figure out how to embed the video here, but I suggest you take a look at this video (Thanks to Roni for the link).

I love that this video talks about wanting a healty ideal instead of a thin one. I like to think that I really am shooting for health this time with my weight loss. And while I definitely am making better choices for better reasons, I still allow myself to slip back into thinking that thinness is the goal (which is the reason behind my endless frustration when my weight has increased every day this week beyond any explanation I have to offer). This video is a good reminder for me. I'm in this for the long run, for a long and healthy life.

Aside: I love that this was started by a sorority. A video like this was just not something I expect from a sorority. Ending breast cancer, sure, but ending negative dialougue about weight? It just wasn't in my stereotype. I was never in a sorority, but I date a (non-typical) fratboy, and I teach college sophomores and juniors at the University of Mississippi--a HUGE Greek-oriented school. To be perfectly honest, I have TONS of anti-Greek feelings. I just don't get it. On my good days, I think the organizations are stupid, exclusionary, centered on gendered, racist, and classist ideals, and a distraction for my students' real purpose in going to college--learning. And that's on my good days. On my bad days? Well, let's just hope I'm not teaching on a bad day. (I will add, though, that many of my Greek students--and almost all of them are in a sorority or fraternity--surprise me.)