The Sun Will Come Out... Tomorrow!!

(Was I the only one who wanted to be Little Orphan Annie as a child?)

Yes, folks, I am in a MUCH better mood today. I think I just needed to get it all out of my system. (And get it out of my system I did! My apologies for all the negativity!!)

I'm down to 192 today, so I'm continuing to show some loss this week. I'm only 2 pounds away from getting the Birmingham weekend weight off again. Just in time for Dustin to visit me again in a couple of weekends!! I'm stoked about him coming to Oxford (like, it's all I can think about stoked), but I seriously need to not go overboard while he's here. My aim is to maintain that weekend. Maintenance is so, so good.

This loss puts me at only 9 pounds left before Christmas. There are 11 weeks left, so I still think I can do it. I just have to be careful the weekend Dustin visits, and the week I have off for Thanksgiving. I think if I shoot for maintenance those weeks, I'll still have plenty of room to reach my goal.

Also, I don't get winded anymore when I walk up to my 3rd floor office, and climbing up the huge hill to my normal parking space isn't the monumental journey I thought it was just a little over a month ago. I'm wearing 14s now, and my bras are too big (which isn't a good thing, but it is, too).

So seriously, to all of you who left me happy comments, encouraging comments, sympathizing comments, "Sister, I've been there" comments, thank you. I needed it, and I appreciate how absolutely freaking amazing you all are. THANK YOU!!!

10%, Gone. Forever. Amen.

If I were a Weight Watchers member, I'd be getting a token of some sort. Since January 1st of this year, I've lost a total of 21.6 pounds, or just a tad bit more than 10% of my original body weight of 214 pounds.

I'll never forget that day I visited my doctor in December. It was for my yearly ladies' exam, and as much as we all hate those, I've got a really awesome OB/GYN. She's non-judgmental, honest, and is always open to listening to my health needs. It had been a long, hard semester. I'd be graduating in the spring, and I was busy trying to put together all my grad school applications, write my honor's thesis, keep my apartment from falling apart, trying to keep my job together (I was the secretary for a small church that had a terrible pastor for only 6 months. I got all the reverb from those miserable 6 months). I'd been gaining weight steadily since my last bout with Weight Watchers in 2006. I'd been with Dustin for about 8 months, and the evidence of our many restaurant dates hung uncomfortably on my middle. And more, I was feeling, emotionally, miserable. I was happy with school, and head over heels in love with Dustin, but I was beginning to let my self-esteem slip back to middle-school levels, which is to say, really, really bad. I was irritable, easily frustrated, and completely dependent on others (mainly Dustin) to keep me happy and thinking positively about myself.

I shouldn't have been suprised when April (my ob/gyn) told me, rather frankly, I needed to watch my weight. She asked me how I'd been eating, how I was handling my stress, and after I told her how I was doing pretty miserably with both, she matter-of-factly told me what kinds of foods I should be eating and that it would help me both physically and emotionally to find an outlet for my stress. I cried as I left her office, feeling like I'd completely failed myself. I kept replaying the nurse's face as she scribbled my weight on my chart. She didn't grimace or scoff, but I was horrified, more at myself than what she thought. 214 was the heaviest I'd ever been, and I realized how quickly that number could continue to rise.

For a month or so, I continued to beat myself up, aware that I needed to change my habits, but not ready to do anything about it. I don't even know what snapped in my mind, but Dustin and I started going to the gym at our school together. I began using the Weight Watchers system as a rough guide for my diet. I started this blog, and reading others. I joined SparkPeople.com. And the weight started coming off. More importantly, I was feeling so much better. So much healthier. So much more alive.

Towards the end of the spring semester, my upcoming graduation (and all the stress entailed) consumed my energies, and I let myself slowly slip away from all my progress. The 15 pounds or so I'd lost since January were slowly adding back on. I was preparing to move to Oxford, Miss (to go to Ole Miss for my Masters), and I just didn't think I could handle both trying to lose weight and preparing for grad school. In these three or four months, I continued to read blogs and I usually cooked healthily at home, so I only gained 5 or 6 pounds back.

Slowly, I'm learning that my goal is not to lose weight. It's not be a size 10, or to be skinny, or to even look sexy in a swimsuit (although those things must be very, very nice). I want to be healthy. I want to be vibrant and alive throughout all of my life, and I want my life to be long. I want to enjoy all the days I get to spend with Dustin and my family and friends. I want to feel confident in my body; I want it to reflect the beautiful and spunky person I truly am. I feel held back by the condition I've let my body come to, and I want to let myself grow out of it. So really, although I typically talk about this blog as a weight-loss blog, it's really not that. It's about letting myself grow.

Yesssss!

So, guess what? I'm at 194 today. Which is the *lowest* I've been all year. And probably most of last year, too. I've been eating so well this week, I've had fun watching it pay off. And feeling it pay off, too.

Seeing that number this morning was really great encouragement for me to keep it up. I'll be at school today from 8 am to 7 pm, Thursdays are always really, really difficult for me to get through without wanting to kill someone (teaching 3 sections of sophomores who "hate" literature will do that to a book lover), so I'm determined to remember that 194 can soon be 184 if I just keep with it and don't give up! "Never give up, never, never give up." I am worth this effort. My body deserves it.

Holy Crap Batman, Week 9 Already?

If this were elementary school, I'd be getting a 9-weeks progress report. Here's mine:

Motivation: A- Ashley has strong goals in mind, but may want to consider smaller, short-term goals to help her through troublesome weeks.

Water Consumption: F Ashley drinks, on average, only 5 glasses of water a day. She needs to give up sodas in favor of calorie-free fruit juice and water. Eating water-heavy fruits would also help her increase her water consumption (and finally heal up her chapped lips).

Exercise: C Ashley began poorly, but in the past few weeks has added cardio to her routine. Her progress, though, is haphazard. She needs to incorporate cardio into her week more regularly, in addition to adding a strength training regimen. Perhaps signing up with the weight-room orientation with Oh, Mike might help motivate her.

Fruit / Vegetable Intake: F How hard could it be to add fruits and veggies into a meal, Ashley, really? Think salads, vegetable soups, or veggie wraps for lunch instead of your rice-heavy leftovers.

Breakfast: B+ Although she eats the same thing for breakfast almost every day, it's a nutritious granola bar and a cup of milk, and a good start.

Healthful Cooking: B- Slowly begin replacing rice and bean meals with more veggie-heavy sides. Meat needs to be portioned better, as well as soup, chili, and casserole portions.

Networking: A+ Keep up with that blog, SparkPeople, and your Li' Fattie. Keep listening to those compliments you're getting, and take them as encouragement to keep strong.

Constancy: C For the first half of the 9-weeks, Ashley was a model for consistency. Lately, though, she's skipping recording her meals and counting points. Refocus, and begin this 9-weeks with renewed energy.

Organization and Enabling: B+ Don't be your own worst enemy; plan your week so you have less room to fail. Get back on track with menu planning and cooking. Set a schedule for going to the gym and don't rely on whether or not you feel like it. Chances are you won't, unless Oh, Mike is there.

Note to the public: I began the long process of preparing my move to Mississippi today. I cleaned out my closet and boxed up my winter-wear. I'll eventually need to move on to going through my books (boo!), and packing up / donating the stuff I know I'll never use again. I'll also need to begin looking for an apartment in Oxford, which should be interesting, as I'm three states away and see no opportunity to get out of Augusta until the middle of May.

Oh, and think your trainers are perfect? They're not. Oh, Mike joined us in my beginning yoga class at the gym (or Power YoLates a friend and I call it). He did considerably worse than I did, maybe even than I did on my first day. Muscled and adorable he is, flexible he is not.